After almost two extremely tough years, I can finally say that I have energy.
When I initially stopped working, I was still able to be active and maybe go to the gym every now and then, along with seeing a physiotherapist on a regular basis.
Things spiraled downward from there.
Within those first six months, I was forced to quit all of my activities, reduce any socialization, and this past year it had gotten to such a low point that I could never actually make plans.
The word "tentative" was used so much that no one even needed to say it anymore - it was always understood that if I made any plans at all, I would (more than likely) have to cancel. I could not even anticipate what I would be capable of doing an hour after waking up. Every single moment was touch-and-go.
I am happy to say that my energy levels have been high enough to make plans days in advance!!!
Do you know what it is like to make a plan and know that you'll probably be able to actually follow through? Do you know what it is like to actually have something to look forward to days or weeks in advance?
To be honest, I had kind of forgotten. Yes - I would be asked to do something, or I would plan a dinner party or a lunch with a friend, but concrete plans were never made or confirmed until that very day.
Now I have a plan for Saturday AND Sunday. I can actually plan to be relatively social for TWO DAYS IN A ROW!!!!
I know that my week next week will suffer for it... I know that, at the last minute, my body may just tell me that it's too much. But I have had enough energy over the last couple of weeks that I am about 40% confident that I can follow through with these plans and enjoy them.
I just really hope that this energy sticks around - at least for another couple of weeks. Although, one wrong move, one bad day, just that touch-too-much of stress, excitement, nervousness, anger, confusion, could knock me backwards.
I am back (for the moment) to being able to do one big thing every day or every few days. These "big things" are usually doctor's appointments, and I can only last being out a couple of hours, while being properly and heavily medicated, but at least I don't have to schedule them a week or more apart. I can finally get out of the house once each day in some capacity. It may not sound like much, but it feels pretty huge to me.
A very good friend of mine asked if we could hang out soon. I was able to say "yes" with confidence. Even he noticed that I haven't been able to reply "yes" for over a year.
It is really great to actually feel alive.
For a long time I felt as though I were wasting away... I felt like I was dying and we had no idea what to do about it.
Right now I no longer feel as though I am in a downward spiral.
I feel as though I am not getting better, but I am also not getting any worse! For me - I will take a plateau any day.
I need to be cautious, I need to keep my expectations low, I need to be realistic.
But hell if I am not going to take advantage of this plateau. I am grateful for it, and it won't be wasted.
😊