I think this thing that I dub "Christmastime Sadness" is something that everyone deals with. It's that pit-of-your-stomach feeling like something isn't quite right. That the holiday season is here and there is so much pressure to be ridiculously happy that you feel even worse if you fall short of that - whether or not you have a 'reason' to feel sad.
For some people it is getting through the holidays after losing someone close to you. For others it can be the focus on material goods and trying to figure out ways to tell people you love them when you are too broke to spend money on gifts. For some people it is because their past year has not gone as they had hoped, or maybe they did not achieve what they wanted to, or maybe they did and they don't know where to go from here.
For me, it was a few small things. Health is one. Health is always one. Almost every year I have been diagnosed with something new, gone through some procedures, had issues with doctors or insurance or something medically related, or I have lost the ability to do something. For years it was knowing that another year had gone by without finding a partner to share my life with. Then the more regular things like not achieving what I meant to or leaving ideas or projects until the last minute.
This year felt much different.
Actually the past few years have been different - mostly thanks to my relationship with Ryan. Even when I am struggling, it is nice to come home to that person who is always supportive and always kind and genuine.
This year, even in a bad Crohn's flare and frustrations with insurance, this year felt much different. 2017 was a big year for me. I had a surgery in January that changed many things for the better. Certain pains and annoyances and frustrations became milder and much easier to handle. I was proposed to in May and we started planning a wedding - knowing that we intend to spend the rest of our lives together. Seeing that permanence of such an amazing relationship. It's a very hopeful and optimistic and phenomenal feeling.
Then I was placed on a prophylactic treatment which has made a huge difference in my experience of Hereditary Angioedema. Then I was put on another biologic medication to help slow down my Ankylosing Spondylitis.
These are all full of hope and optimism. So even though I am still struggling - a lot - there were many things that happened this year that are amazing. And next year looks even better.
So I still suffered a little Christmastime Sadness, but not nearly as much as years past. And even in those years past, I would always punish myself for feeling sad, because I had no real reason to be sad. Even with my health, there were only a few years where I could barely enjoy myself. I have always known that things could be a lot worse... but that still did not erase that sad feeling.
So if you are experiencing this - no matter if you have a 'legitimate' reason or not - just remember that you are NOT alone. Millions of people feel sad at Christmas. Focus on the people around you who make you feel special and amazing, and, like everyone else, take a few steps towards making better decisions, appreciating what you have and appreciating your value, and go into the new year with hope and optimism. That's all any of us can do. :)