I Guess I Am Not Invincible

There have been a few things recently that have been eating away at me.

First of all, this Cosentyx and these Cortisone injections have helped a bit. Of course, I won't be able to stay on the Cosentyx and I don't know how long the injections will last, but my hip pain has been a little reduced. I can walk a little farther without my cane, playing piano does not put me into 9/10 pain as quickly in my shoulder blades and hips, and I seem to have improved energy.

Secondly, I saw this call to audition online for the opera house here in town. My background is classical and opera singing - that is what my music degree is in. I have years and years of classical training, and although I am a bit out of practice, this call to audition was drawing me in. There would obviously be no guarantees that I would have the talent enough to be considered for a chorus part, but I desperately wanted to audition.

With feeling a little bit better and seemingly having more energy, my guilt level was also rising. A lot. Like, if I can do the dishes and do laundry at home every few days, should I be trying to get part time work? If I can walk without my cane for 3/4 of a block instead of 1/2 a block or less, could I maybe make a bigger commitment to something??

Well, today I got my answer.

Over the last couple of days, with RJ away for work, I pushed myself. I was determined to clean and to organize and to do a bit of Spring Cleaning, and to run errands that we needed. I managed to get a few groceries on my own and even wash my car quickly by myself. I was taking care of the house and our houseplants and being a good housewife. I pushed myself as hard as I possibly good, two days in a row, to see if I would recover better than before. To really see if these treatments are going to 'make me better'.
Well...
Turns out I am not invincible. I am not 'better'. What had happened is that I had gotten into a daily routine where I did NOT push my limits over the edge, and because of that, that's why I was feeling better. My energy has improved a bit and my pain has been reduced a bit, but not to where I used to be. Not to where I would love to be. Not to the point where I could audition to be in the chorus of an opera. Not enough to be able to work.
I became horrendously sick overnight and I am in rough shape today. My mom even came up to help me... overnight was awful. My body crashed. My body crashed from simple every day activities. My body crashed from doing mundane things that shouldn't wear out any human being.

I have my answer.
Now I know for a fact that my body could not handle being part of performances or rehearsals even once a week, let alone 2-3 times a week. I am still too weak and too ill to manage that kind of a schedule.
I am not invincible.
I am not even normal.
I am not even what my normal used to be.
I am a mere fraction of my normal - even shortly after having to stop working.

The crazy thing is that I needed to find out for sure. It was all eating away at me and I needed to push myself to remind myself how sick I really am - how exhausted I truly become from the every day life activities. I may not like the answer, but it relieves my guilt a little bit.