Having Company

A large part of being chronically ill is knowing your limits.
Taking it one step further than that - it is coming to the realization that on days you want to push your limits, it is smartest to ensure you are not alone.

I know, I know, coming from me this is a little hard to swallow.
I am the queen of pushing my limits, being stubborn, and always doing things on my own, even if it meant calling a cab to take me to the ER because I pushed way too hard.

Part of this realization has come from a lot of experiences alone... but mostly I have noticed how big of a deal it is now that I DO have someone I live with who I can truly rely on.
I am a massive advocate for being independent - chronically ill or not. If you believe you are capable of full independence, then do it!!! Of course, safety precautions are best. Having a list of what an EMT may need to know should you be unconscious, plans and people you speak with frequently - who would notice if you fell of the map for a few days: safeguards. Independence is not only achievable, but can be validating and exciting and can make you feel accomplished.

Now, with all of that said, I have to admit how much easier most things are when you find a person - a partner - who is in this life by your side.
Now when I push my limits, I will often wait until Rj is home, so that if it goes terribly, he can help me. Instead of crawling back to the bedroom because I tried to play roughly with the pup, Rj can half-carry me and help me stumble to the bed instead. Rather than running through my mind whether or not something is serious enough to warrant a trip to the hospital, I have that additional help, that additional voice, and extra advice. Just having Rj around during my worst moments helps me to panic SO much less  than in that same situation all on my own.

Within the past two weeks I have pushed myself twice that I can recall -> twice when I required his help.
The first instance was a short jaunt on my one-speed leisure bicycle - up the street and back. I had been craving it for weeks, but that day I felt capable, but wanted to do this while Rj was home. Just in case.
Once I got back to our yard, I almost collapsed. I laid on the grass while he put my bike away and he helped me into the house.
A 30 second bike ride - slow with no incline - was pushing it.
Before that depresses me....
... the second instance was last night. I had spent nearly the entire day bored, antsy, craving exercise, but ill. Not only was Rj working but he was also out of town. Not a good idea to be trying anything that could send me to the ER. I waited until he was home and relaxed, and then I wanted to try a little exercise. Nothing extreme, of course. Just ten minutes in our workout room. An attempt to get my hips moving a little more often again, to keep my muscles strong and warm, and try to work up to more yoga.

Well... that really pushed my limits. My heart rate reached just below 200bpm (pretty standard for Tachycardia yet still nauseating), and I could barely walk... or breathe normally... or relax... for the next 2 hours. Rj had to virtually lift me up every single one of the stairs... and we monitored my heart rate and my breathing sounds for a while.
I'm still feeling the effects today.

On one hand it seems foolish. My body did not exactly respond well... but I am hoping to rebuild a little strength. Walk just a little bit farther. Do a few more reps with weights on my arms. Stretch a little deeper. Be active just a touch more and more... it is a slow process. And if I keep wearing myself out to the point where I cannot even walk, that is not necessarily positive progress... but I wanna try.

Having Rj around is the only reason I am even capable of trying. Doing this kind of activity on my own - with no one around - isn't just potentially idiotic, it can be dangerous. I am lucky.
I am all for independence, but I am even more grateful that it's not something I always have to think about anymore.
Pushing limits is much less dangerous when you have company... and it's nice not to have to say:
'Hey can you come over while I try to bike down the street for a minute? I may have trouble getting back home....'

Chronic illness does not have to be limiting... but sometimes there is no way around it without endangering ourselves. Company helps us find our limits and attempt to push past them.