Having chronic illness often means accepting circumstances that can be brutal, but can also be essentially beyond your control.
One of the most difficult balances to master is the balance between trying to feel better and resigning yourself to a life of pain. There has to be some compromise in the middle somewhere.
I have gotten out of the habit of •wishing• for certain aspects of my health to improve. Instead, I do what I can to be as careful and conscious of my health at all times, and then also remember that there are various aspects of my bodily malfunctions that are almost entirely out of my control.
That's not to say that I don't have hope or that I am pessimistic. It is more that I have accepted my life for exactly what it is and I have found true, real happiness within this life. I am not sad all the time about not feeling better or not being cured - which is important to me. I don't want that constant reminder by feeling resentful. Rather, I accept that my body has never and may never function wholly or properly. And that's okay.
What I do wish is something a little more specific. I wish that activities and outings that are beneficial for my mental and psychological health aren't, simultaneously, negative for my physical health.
With Christmas coming up in the next few days, I have spent a lot more time than usual with friends. It has all been very low key - having conversation and tea or hot chocolate while in pajamas or generally comfy clothing - but those outings have all incurred severe pain and flare-ups in my physical health.
You would think that there would be some connection there right? That physical activity, great connections, and healthy relationships with friends would all contribute to better physical health.
In my case it is the opposite.
Tonight I simply wish that those goals could be combined... that activities positive for my mental health could also be positive for my physical health.
I'll take the flare, gladly, if I have to. I would rather see my friends and family and enjoy time visiting than resort to only ever staying at home. Tonight I simply wish I didn't have to endure these intestinal cramps because of a really great day.