Describing What You Do

For anyone who has ever been in between jobs, struggling, too ill to work, or having to work jobs that can be deemed 'embarrassing', you will understand the instant anxiety and heart palpitations that arise with the question:

"What do you do?"

I have had several years to play around with my answers so far, and I have come up with some interesting replies to give when I am not prepared to be entirely honest.
The TRUTH is that I have several severe illnesses that make daily functioning exceptionally difficult, eliminating my ability to work. Illness has taken me out of the workforce. I try and do some singing, some volunteer performing, some writing, and (most recently) some painting, but I am on disability.

But who wants to tell that their friend's cousin's friends while sitting - as a guest - at a wedding? Or the spouse of the coworker of your spouse? Or any other mild acquaintance who you don't have some quick connection with?

My best advice is to learn how to read your audience.
For instance, if I feel like the people I am speaking with may be highly judgmental about anything that I say, I go with:
I sing for weddings and funerals.
It's the truth. I don't do it for a living, though. I mean, over the last few years I have only done a couple of each every year. But it's still something that I do.
With this answer I can get the most amount of truth out in the shortest amount of time, and I am prepared to answer all types of follow-up questions.

If I am speaking with someone who I know will understand as long as the answer is veiled in humour, I tell them that
I am a full-time patient.

But really, there are various answers that I could give:
• stay-at-home dog mom
• a kept woman (go Rj)
• singing teacher (this is something I used to do)
• blogger (this is another truthful answer, minus the whole making-a-living thing)
• writer
• artist (this covers an entire genre of artistry)
• I practice yoga
• housewife
• pianist
• cooker/baker

Let's put it this way:
If you find that someone is being critical, they will be critical about absolutely anything you tell them, truth or not. If you tell someone something odd and they are genuinely interested, you will be able to gauge whether or not you want to break down and be completely honest. If you don't want to answer a lot of questions, choose something a little more vague. If you offer enough information to answer the question while simultaneously squashing the conversation about 'what you do' then you've found a great option.

Answering this question in a vague or untruthful manner is not to be rude or be offensive to the person asking. It is more about us trying to figure out exactly who we are. Most people who have suffered a job loss or severe illness have also had to grieve their sense of identity.
Trying to figure out how to label myself while being unable to work is difficult - especially without children.

Sometimes we simply have to fabricate or alter our answers.