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Wednesday 23 November 2022

No Control

When you have chronic illness, being strong just isn't enough. 
Being strong, being positive, listening to your body, listening to the advice of others (be they medical professionals or not), keeping a strict diet, taking medications, none of this is enough. We still have almost no control over our own bodies. 
We don't know, from one day to the next, whether we will wake up feeling okay enough to get out of bed or whether we will be chained to the washroom. 
When I wake up, I have to wait almost an hour before I know what kind of day it's going to be. My body needs that time to 'wake up'. Sometimes the pain stays more subdued and I notice a little bit of energy, and that lets me know that I can maybe get dressed and leave the house later on in the day. Or maybe I can do the dishes that are piled up in the sink. 
Other days my body lets me know that it is a 'crash day'. When the mere act of standing up and walking to the kitchen has me hunched over, out of breath, and in excruciating pain. 
When I stretch myself off of the side of the bed and know that I have to leave the house, my body will let me know what kind of day I can expect. 

Facing this day to day uncertainty is not brave. Facing this doesn't make me strong or brave or positive. Waking up each day to find out how my body is going to treat me and how I need to treat my body doesn't make me strong. Strength isn't enough. Bravery isn't enough. 

What makes us strong is knowing that we have very little control over how our bodies behave, and still finding all of the joys in life; still hoping for the best days and having strategies to cope with the worst. 

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