If Illnesses Were Boyfriends

If the illnesses I deal with were boyfriends or exes, this is how I would describe them (in my own experience).

The Amicable Split - Hashimoto's.
This disease is quite like an ex with whom I have had an amicable split. Yes there is pain, yes there is nostalgia, and sometimes, if I feel lonely, Hashimoto's is the guy I would think of as a 'what if it never gets better' moment. Most of the time I will maybe see him on social media and be aware of him, but overall having him in my life is not particularly painful. My feelings towards the relationship tend to be either too much or too little, but he is always there in the back of my mind.

The Stalker - Crohn's and Chronic Pouchitis
These diseases are like the bad-relationship-turned-stalker; an abusive relationship that you never get over. Constant physical pain, always feeling sick-to-your-stomach, and will never ever go away. The way he treats you feels like knives in your stomach at all times. There is nothing you could have ever done to make him happy, and he lets you know! You feel guilty all the time and he gets pissed off at everything you try to do - even if he has said he likes when you do one thing, the next time he will berate you for it. He doesn't like the way you eat, cook, or how you are active, but he changes his mind all the time on how exactly he wants you to eat. He is unpredictable, uncontrollable, he is always watching and always waiting to strike. And just when you think he is happy, or that he is going to leave you alone for a while, BAM, there he is: being an absolute asshole.

The Tumultuously Undecided - Psoriasis
This one is like that guy who comes in and out of your life sporadically. Most of the time things are completely fine, and you'll go long stretches without even talking. Then you will reconnect, even just as friends, and what seemed to be a calm steady friendship turns into yelling matches and arguments about absolutely nothing, but usually exacerbated by alcohol or jealousy. When you speak it is rare and not for long since it can turn so ugly so quickly. So you ignore him for the longest time until he demands your time and wreaks havoc on your life until you decide not to speak again for a while.

The Backstabber - Ankylosing Spondylitis
This one is pretty self-explanatory. This guy always stabs you in the back but is an uber-controlling being. Every single day feels like a knife to the back, but no matter how much you try, you can't get rid of him. He is always there, pointing out every flaw and every shortcoming you have. He reminds you every day that you are not good enough, that you don't deserve to be blissfully happy all the time, and he hates it when you go off and try to live independently. He doesn't want you to have your own identity or participate in activities that you used to love, so he continually drains you with physical and emotional pain, and tries to control you by keeping you at home and in bed as much as possible.

The Skeletons in Your Closet - Macular Degeneration
This is the guy you try to forget. You try and try and try. He is not a predominant part of your life and doesn't cause you pain exactly, but he knows your dirty little secrets and can strike at any moment. He knows something about you - he has something on you - and you know that he will likely come for his revenge at some point. And all you can do is sit there and wait. You don't know when he will strike, but when he does finally reveal himself and all of those skeletons in your closet, your entire life will change; your entire view of life will change. You will never be able to go back and live normally after he decides to reveal himself.

The One Who Gives You Butterflies - Tachycardia and Heart Flutter (that is truly what it is called).
You wish you hadn't had this relationship, but he didn't cause any lasting pain. When you think of him or see him, your heart races and sometimes skips a beat, or beats a little extra. This relationship wasn't healthy, but there is also no real damage. When he pops into your life or when you see him on social media, your heart flutters and races and you become short of breath - but you don't like it. You don't want to feel this way and you don't want to be with him anymore, but time hasn't diminished your involuntary response.

The Annoying Whiner - Chronic Migraines
My gawd this guy is a major complainer. He has man-flu all the time. He will whine your ear off several days a week and give you an absolute splitting headache over the slightest changes in his life. He tries so hard to fight any kind of change - if the weather is bad, too cold or too hot, too windy, too cloudy, too sunny, he hates it. If you wear a perfume he doesn't like, he'll tell you exactly how he feels. His constant complaints prevent you from relaxing, reading, being productive, or enjoying much of anything. Sometimes you have to jump under the covers, in the dark, and hide yourself for a while until he leaves you alone for a few days.

The Superficial Jerk - Hereditary Angioedema
He is never happy with your appearance (or his for that matter). So he is always trying to change your appearance. Sometimes he thinks your arms and legs are too skinny, so he tries to fatten you up in those areas. He is so obsessed with how you look that he will force you to be bigger or smaller depending on how he is feeling that day. And sometimes that's still not good enough, so then he might start to choke you or punch you in the gut and cause internal swelling, just to remind you of who is in charge and to follow his instructions. You are often rebellious and do what you can to prevent him from controlling everything you do, but once he finds out what you have done, he'll make you regret it. He constantly brings up your appearance and will give you swelling wherever he wants to as a punishment.

I mean, these are some pretty nasty relationships... and it doesn't matter if you have broken up or not, those relationships have left scars and trauma and you still have to deal with them daily. Just because you want to forget them, just because you want to walk away, a part of them will always be there.