Consequences

I tend to get self-conscious a lot about my illness. Sometimes I feel like I am being too cautious, other times I feel like I push myself too hard. Sometimes people believe me, and sometimes they don't (although I am getting a bit better at ignoring this, because if it is just a random individual who doesn't believe me, then it doesn't matter).

Yesterday I had the opportunity to do something very cool. It is an opportunity that I get maybe once a year, and nearly always results in me pushing myself too hard. This time was similar, but even more so.
Often, when I get this feeling like maybe I am being too cautious, I will go out on a limb and try to accomplish something that I am pretty positive I might be able to do if I just push a little more. That maybe pushing myself once in a while like this is a positive thing and won't be as bad afterwards as I think it will.
Well - I guess being cautious is a good thing.
It's like when I haven't done a couple flights of stairs in a long time, so then I start to think that maybe I'm fine and I won't have any trouble. And then I try and I can barely keep my composure halfway through them.

Yesterday I pushed myself. Hard. I pushed myself farther than I have in years. You know what I learned? I cannot push myself that hard anymore. I mean, I had a lot of fun, but there were several opportunities to make it easier on myself. I did not have to try certain things, I could have taken more breaks, I did not have to expend SO much energy -> I still would have been present, had a blast, and would have accomplished what I was there to accomplish.
But noooooo, I had to try and show off. I had to try and prove that there are still things I can do that I used to do in my early 20s.
Nope.
I tried. I tried and I kind of failed, miserably. Don't get me wrong here, I still would have gone, I just would have taken it a lot easier. Turns out that my boundaries are slowly, but surely, closing in on me.

Yesterday early morning I took my preventative HAE injection to try and handle the day.
After vomiting last night and suffering horribly today, I spoke to my nurse, and I am to give myself another injection today. If that does not stave off this severe intestinal swelling episode, I will be off to emergency later tonight, as instructed.

Was it worth it?
Yes, in a way.
I still would have gone and had fun, but I should have taken more breaks and been easier on myself. I still would have pushed my boundaries, but I blew right past them. I pretended to have no boundaries. I pretended to have no limitations. And that was my ultimate mistake. Now I get to suffer the consequences.