My One Regret

Being chronically ill includes a whole hell of a lot of shitty moments.
Figuratively and literally.
(Haha).
There's a lot of pain, a lot of hospitals, treatments, needles, doctors, failed treatments, symptoms, side effects, and never-ending & unpredictable changes.
You deal with loss on a daily basis. You lose abilities, you lose social interactions, and in many ways, you can lose parts of yourself.

There is also beauty in dealing with chronic illness. You find out how much strength you can actually acquire. You learn about yourself, your friends, and you find out some of the most interesting scientific facts of life. For anyone who has a healthy appetite of curiosity and any desire to learn, chronic illness provides a steady stream of new and exciting opportunities to learn. Sure, it might be easier to learn about them if they weren't happening to you, but then you'd never fully appreciate what it feels like. Having chronic illness forces you to take solace in the simple things in life, and it shows you what really matters. It helps you appreciate all of the positive aspects of life while teaching you hard lessons.

Of course, losing parts of myself and very literally crawling around the house writhing in pain is no picnic. I miss working. I miss sports and performing on stage. I know how many opportunities I have missed out on, and I am aware of how many more opportunities I will have to allow to pass me by, all due to all of these health complications. Some days it's tough not to resent these things. I break down, just like anyone else would, but I only currently have one regret.

With all of the health challenges I face, especially the flare-ups that have arisen recently, my ability to take care of others is diminished. If I cannot even stand up straight or stay out of the washroom for an hour, how am I supposed to take care of someone else who might be suffering?
Rj had a procedure recently - and it went well. He did not seem to be suffering... but all I wanted to do was take care of him. I had planned to stop at the gift shop while he was taken in so that I could surprise him with a little stuffed animal for when he got out. I wanted to scour the aisles at the grocery store for all of his favourite foods and spoil him rotten.
But what happened?
I spent over an hour in the washroom, I could not even walk the length of the grocery store, and I struggled to try and make him some lemon curd that he loves. I mean, really struggled. Instead of making ice cream and cupcakes and lemon meringue pie, all I managed to do was make a 5 minute steam cake and lemon curd.

When my dad had some issues, I wanted to do twenty different things for him. I wanted to do a hell of a lot more than I did. While I know how much he appreciated what I was able to do, my own health robs me of my ability to take care of others.

And THAT is my only true and devastatingly real regret about being chronically ill.

It is one of the reasons why raising children is not likely a situation that will occur.
I have progressive illnesses.
My ability to take care of myself is impeded by things that I have no control over. I can get through a scary amount of pain and some terrible symptoms. My regret is that it takes me away from taking care of other people that I love.