Thirties

I have always joked around that no woman ages past the age of 29. That we just have several birthdays celebrating being 29 ;).

Lately I have been having a bit of anxiety about age. Or aging I guess. I know I know. Thirties is still super young and I'll get a few eyerolls for the previous statement.
I know it's ludicrous, but I think it stems from a few things:

A) Most people tend to become more and more ill as they get older.... so already being pretty damn ill, it is frightening.

B) I was never sure I would live into my thirties. I am not exaggerating or being dramatic here. I always believed that with so many allergies and complications, that I was likely to die young...

C) As much as I tried to do everything I wanted to (and could be capable to) do, there are also many things I was hoping to get involved in if my illnesses settled down. When you are diagnosed young, you are encouraged that it is usually worst during puberty and then, for some patients, can really taper off in their twenties and thirties. My IBD had settled a bit, no remission but more controllable, but when that happened, my AS, HAE, and Hashimoto's all went berserk.

D) It was also assumed by several of my specialists that I would lose my sight to AMD and Cataracts in my thirties... Especially considering that the inside of my eyes made it appear as though I was already 70 years old when I was only 21.

E) After undergoing my total colectomy and ileostomy surgery, although I still had accidents, I no longer had the daytime urgency and the short 20 second warning before my body would expel whatever is in my system. That symptom has returned... nearly full-force now... and is getting worse. This could be just a flare-up, and with the help of Cortifoam and possibly a course of Prednisone, we might get it back on track. But if we don't, this could be bad. Like, really bad.

F) I seem to be more and more frightened of new procedures that I did not go through as a teenager. I get far more anxiety for medical tests than I used to. I need to learn how to channel my inner 14-year-old strength and optimism.

Here is the bright side; the lighter side:

A) I thought I'd be gone already! So now every day, every year, and all this time with RJ is a complete bonus!

B) I have not yet gone blind!

C) I am still watching and waiting and working towards goals and opportunities I had never even thought of - because my illnesses have steered me in directions I never considered.

D) When I was younger, walking into a drug store to buy Depends, Boost, and diaper-rash cream was horrendously embarrassing. I got really awful looks and was even treated terribly by a staff member once (story in the next blog). When you are in your thirties, however, going in to purchase those three items is still embarrassing, but not overwhelmingly so. Most assume that the Depends and Boost are for an ailing parent (sorry Mom and Dad). In addition, no one even bats an eye for a woman my age buying diaper-rash cream. It is totally for my baby, since my age would have them believe I was a mother!

E) I have also learned how to 'not give a sh^t' as much anymore. That comes with experience and age if you weren't born with armadillo shells.

The takeaway here is that I still (hopefully) have many years left. I feel as though I do - which is a new optimism for me that I never possessed as a young adult.
Some things are easier in your thirties, some things are more difficult, but I think I have become more appreciative in the daily positives as I have aged.

The best part of all of being in my thirties - I am getting married to the love of my life, my best friend, my person. We have a full life together. That is the best I could have hoped for.