Noticing Symptoms

When it comes to illnesses we have almost no control over, sometimes we ignore our symptoms.

When I was diagnosed with Early Onset Macular Degeneration, I was told that I could lose my sight very quickly. My doctors had never seen it before, so they had no idea how slowly or how quickly things would progress.
With Macular Degeneration, most people lose their central vision, but keep all or a portion of their peripheral vision. Knowing this, I began trying to 'prepare' for vision loss. I would look straight ahead but try to practice focusing in my periphery. I researched seeing-eye dogs, when a driving license would be revoked, and which places I wanted to see before I could not actually see them. I looked at my Amsler Grid every single day. I watched for any progression of symptoms. Every little moment of blurred vision, difficulty focusing, or changes in my vision would put me on high alert.

I passed the first year or two like this. I planned trips and went out to Europe to see the landscape and architecture. I took in all of life.
After two years there were no further changes, or, if there were, they were minimal. So for the next several years, I would only look at my Amsler Grids once every 6 months when I saw my ophthalmologist. This extended to once a year. I took my Vitalux and I avoided being around smoke, I ate my salmon and consumed fish oils on a regular basis, and my 'focus' waned.

Then, a couple years ago I became a little panicked. I noticed speckles of gray in my vision that I would notice clearly when I looked at a blue sky or an all-white wall or ground-covering snowfall. It was not just in my central vision, but also my periphery. That is what had me in a panic.
I got in to see my doctor quickly, even though there was nothing we could do about it.

When I saw my optometrist about 3 months ago, he did some regular scans. He mentioned to me that, although with contacts/glasses I had 20/20 vision, the way my eyes looked internally, I should not be seeing so clearly. He said that I should be noticing distortions, even some vision loss. This statement stuck in my head. Ate away at me.
Of course, I had been ignoring any of these symptoms. Not from denial exactly, but if there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it, why worry about it daily? That just adds more concern and stress to an already stressful existence with so many other health issues.
After that appointment, I began looking for any changes. I found them. Not necessarily because they suddenly showed up. Not because the day of my exam my eyes had jumped from no symptoms to noticeable ones. But because I was looking for changes. They are there, of course. My eyes have obviously been deteriorating for the past 12 years. So of course I am going to notice changes.
I have a disease.
I have a disease of vision loss.
So why is it so staggering; so shocking to be noticing vision loss?

It is not much. I am grateful for the slow progression - it allows me to plan. That does not mean, however, that it is easier to come to terms with the idea that I will lose my ability to see.
There are holes in my vision - in my central vision. There are a few speckled shadows in my peripheral vision. Not many, and none that are big enough to affect my current 20/20 vision. They are there though.
Seeing with one eye - either one - also results in distorted lines. People's faces are skewed. Lines and images are wavy.
With both eyes, it is all perfect.

So why am I struggling so much with this?

I always have to remember that this was always going to happen. My eyes are ill. I have Macular Degeneration. My eyes are old. There is nothing that I can currently do to treat this disease. The only thing I can do is consume fish oils, take my Vitalux with Lutein, and hope.
Hope that it progresses slowly.
Hope that, after my appointment in June with my ophthalmologist, I can put this issue at the back of my thoughts for another year. Hope that I can cope with vision loss.

In all honesty, it is not so much that I will go legally blind. I am struggling more with the fact that I will be legally blind AND have mobility issues. That I will be disabled not only physically but also in sight. The combination is getting to me a little bit.
Or perhaps I am just more easily saddened because of being Vitamin D deficient at the moment.

I guess we'll see.
(Ha. See what I did there?)