Perpetually Temporary State

Everything is temporary, we all know that, but when it comes to chronic illness, temporary is etched in our heads every single day - for the good and the bad. 

Planning ahead and thinking ahead while having active disease feels a lot like dreaming. I mean, I can plan all I want for the next several months, but every single morning I have to figure out what my body is doing and what my limits are all over again. 

Take my sleeping schedule for example: 

I have slept well for 7 days in a row. To some that sounds like heaven, to others that sounds like a very little snippet of time. Before these last seven days, I would have a decent sleep maybe once a week over the course of nearly 6 months. Before that, I would sleep too much a couple days a week and have insomnia the rest of the time over the course of another four months. The six months prior to that was nearly all sleep without ever feeling rested. 

Seven days of good sleep, for me, is something to be celebrated, because at any moment it could change. 

Every symptom, every medication, every bodily state is precariously temporary. 

Some symptoms, like abdominal pain and nausea, can go years without reprieve, while others can show up sporadically. This entire family of illnesses: inflammation and auto-immunity are terribly volatile and unpredictable. I have had 'stable' moments in time, or stable enough to make plans a month ahead without worrying every single day if I'll *actually* be able to follow through with it. Most of the time, though, I am a constant question mark. 

Even the years I was 'stable' enough to risk traveling had me worried I would have to cancel right up until the moment when the flight took off. 

It's this gnawingly and perpetually temporary state that helps me cherish every good moment. I want to take life in wherever and whenever I can! 

My good moments are temporary, yes, but so are my bad moments. With the nature of these illnesses, the bad stretches tend to outlast the good ones, but that is simply the reality. When one disease or another takes a turn, I know it could be months (at least) before it settles back down. So I brace myself for a few tough months and we all get through it the same as we have always gotten through them: pivoting and focusing on different goals or priorities, changing plans, modifying everything. 

But then when those good moments happen, they are so much sweeter and I am always so prepared to take advantage of every second. 

Trying to 'get used to' these quick state changes is never easy. 'Going with the flow' tends to be a lot more difficult when you're facing white rapids and whiplash, but it's better than always trying to push back - and it is nearly always to my own detriment. 

So take the good, take the bad, take the time to enjoy something in the midst of everything, knowing that everything is temporary.