Bravery Isn't A Feeling

There's something really confounding about the word "brave". 

When you're ill, especially with something chronic or something widely accepted as particularly difficult or serious, you hear the words "brave" and "inspirational" quite a bit. It's definitely a flattering sentiment, so I'm not complaining, it's just that I have never felt brave. Or all that inspirational, really. I have felt fear and helplessness, a whole lot of frustration, and I often feel a sense of determination - which is likely the closest to bravery I can conjure - but never brave. 

I think bravery can only be attributed to someone by another person, or to oneself after an ordeal, and I think that's why it's such an uncomfortable compliment. It's not actually a feeling. 

If someone tells me that I've been brave for doing something, I'll take a minute to look back on that situation, and what I always remember feeling is terrified. Not only that, but quite often, there were no options.... 

For instance: 

I never once felt "brave" having my large intestine removed. I had no choice. It was a situation that was entirely out of my control, and I remember feeling all sorts of emotions, but bravery definitely was not one of them. 

Doing these ablation procedures - I don't feel brave. I feel scared, anxious, and like a wuss for being so terrified when I know how much it helps. 

Even talking about all of this illness, sharing personal stories and going into nitty gritty details, to me, it isn't brave. I feel selfish about it, I feel liberated sometimes, and I feel determined to get my experiences out there for other people who are developing chronic illness and are looking for information and other people who are going through it. 

Having illness, and living life with illness, isn't brave, in my opinion, because I have no option. It's not like I have the ability to give away that illness for an easier life but decide to stay ill. Waking up each day and dealing with the laundry list of uncomfortable symptoms doesn't feel brave, it just feels like life. 

When I receive comments or notes about seeming brave, I often get that uncomfortable shy feeling you get when you're complimented but don't quite relate to it. It's like I can't connect my life experiences to that word. Every time I go through something big, or get through a really difficult day, the feeling of 'bravery' is elusive... 

When someone calls me brave, for just living my life, sometimes it feels like it cheapens it; it does it a disservice. Like living with a lot of illness  is brave because the easier thing to do is not continue to live...? Almost as though if you're ill, some people think life is not worth living? I emphatically disagree with that instinctual sentiment. 

I truly love my life - even though illness and awful symptoms play a large part. I have a lot of illness. I am happy with my life. Just like everyone else, I struggle and I can feel disheartened, but I am happy. 

I love the idea of seeming brave, but I don't know that I have ever felt it. 

Have you ever actually felt brave?