Frayed Tightrope

Chronic illness often feels like I'm walking on a frayed tightrope. 

I can't fix everything. No one can. We can't even diagnose every single thing that's going on, and because I have illnesses that encompass so many different body systems, I don't even know which illnesses are causing which symptoms half the time. 

It's trying to monitor and figure out if new symptoms are new symptoms of diseases that I already have, newly experienced side effects from medications I already take, side effects from a different dose/new-medication/dietary-changes, or brand new symptoms from something entirely new (like when I developed Labyrinthitis but waited too long to see the doctor because I didn't know if it was something brand new or something I should expect to experience based on other illnesses or medications). 

Then there are the medications. Medications that I need; that I have no choice but to take, because the alternative could be life-threatening. Though oftentimes those medications cause side effects - some which are temporary, some which become permanent. 

It's all a balancing act between settling down as many symptoms as possible without having too many serious side effects on the other side. 

Take Prednisone for one example. If you have ever needed to take steroids, you know that when you need it, you need it. It can cause some intensely nasty side effects... and Prednisone is the reason why I still occasionally experience auditory and/or visual hallucinations. If you've ever looked at the list of side effects of Prednisone, it makes you wonder why it's still prescribed so much - and it's because when you're in dire need of it, it works. 

My current regimen of medications is probably the most effective collection of meds I have ever taken - the ratio of relief: side-effects is appropriate and manageable. But it also means that if I change medications, try going off of these medications, or even miss a dose or two, I'm in big trouble. 

So we continue walking, trying to balance everything. We accept the frayed edges even though we know that they could send us crashing. We try to ignore the smaller wisps that suggest a bigger problem because we know that we can't fix everything. We always have to accept multiple points of difficult symptoms in order to keep functioning.