I have noticed in the past couple weeks that I am angrier about things than I have ever been.
Anyone who knows me will know that I can get angry sometimes, but it's fleeting. I also don't usually show much anger (if any) about anything related to my health. I've even gotten in trouble before for not being angry.... For not yelling and screaming and kicking doors down and pulling my hair out.
Let me be perfectly clear about this. This is NOT a "why me" type of anger. Frankly I have always believed in certain truths and in my mind, it doesn't matter what kind of upbringing, where I was born, how my life went, this body was always going to... Um... Malfunction. This is the way it is. The way it's supposed to be. So don't mistake my recent 'grumpiness' for the self-pitying wondering why me and not someone else type of thinking. In fact I still believe that I am incredibly lucky in many ways. I hit the lottery in everything BUT my health, and my health could always be worse.
Okay so now that I have gone over what this all is not... This is what I think it is.
We are finally at a point where we may have found the answer. The one base reason why I have so many different illnesses. The underlying problem... The missing part that causes the entire system to malfunction, part by part. In the last two weeks, it's as if every little thing that SHOULD have ticked me off over the last 14 years is now finally ticking me off. Almost as if I felt like I couldn't feel anger until I finished the fight, and then I could finally relax and FEEL everything that I was supposed to be feeling.
Now part of the reason, I'm sure, is that I have had to go over my entire medical history - page by page - over the last four months.... But every mistake, every misdiagnosis, every allergic reaction to a medication, every procedure gone wrong, every time I was sent home by a doctor who didn't know what else to do with me, every time I had a health care professional not believe me, every time I had a nurse or a doctor be condescending to my concerns, every single time I went home only to feel worse, and worst of all, every time that any single person made me question everything I have gone through in 14 years.
It's like it all just hit me in the past two weeks.
I know that I will get over it. I know that I will be back to my chipper self in some time. I also know that figuring everything out will also help me feel better and more relaxed and ready to take on the world some more.
But right now, on days like today, I am going to bask in my grumpiness and do what I can to alleviate the feeling as much as I can - but also accept that I have every right to be upset, every right to feel angry... But also that it shouldn't take me away from everyday life and that I should not let it affect how I treat anyone else.
And that maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it means that I can stop fighting and finally grieve properly for all of the pieces of my personality I have had to give up over the years....
Being able to stop fighting sounds too good to be true, but let's hope that it might be in the cards....