I had the opportunity to be involved in a beautiful wedding for a couple of really amazing people today.
Where envy comes in is that even me, a couple of years ago, even I would be attending or involved in weddings and really not thinking about much other than enjoying myself, having some champagne, enjoying the incredible catered food, and tearing up the dance floor all while enjoying while an amazing couple ties the knot. That sort of happy-go-lucky day... Where everything is exciting and beautiful and lovely.
Now don't get me wrong - this wedding was incredibly beautiful, a total tear-jerker, two amazing people coming together, two amazing families, and all around an entire wedding full of pretty great people.
What I am envious of is that, even though I was able to enjoy myself, I really did have to be EXTREMELY careful... And I had to figure out simply how to get through the day. I had to focus on how and when to take meds, if I should eat at all, what I should eat, how much walking I should do, when I can take a few minutes and sleep, how long is too long, how many times I have to puke before finally needing to go home....
I loved today. I loved being a part of today. And these people were so understanding and really empathetic and compassionate and accommodating - which was unnecessary but incredibly appreciated - what I am envious of is that I just wish that I could have simply enjoyed today... It's a pointless wish... But instead of worrying about if I am going to collapse, I should have been worrying about if my smile is okay in the picture. I should have been worrying about if I'm walking slowly enough and not concentrating on the actual act of trying to walk...
Today was beautiful and lovely and amazing. Today was also very hard.
Gotta get this figured out so I can go back to ignorantly enjoying every single part of an event like today's.