From 0-60 And Back

Last night was one of those rare nights where I thought too much about all of the health stuff. It doesn't get to me too often like it did last night - and here is where my frustration lies: 

1. I have finally come to the full realization that I cannot function without medication. 

There was a time where if I would miss some doses, I could still manage to live a life of relative normalcy - school, sports, work, etc... 

Now, it's not the case anymore. I miss my pain medication and I am stuck in bed... Even WITH medication I have a hard enough time doing things on my own. Luckily I have amazing friends who can help me with things like groceries and what not. 

2. Once my meds kick in, it's like I all of a sudden have this energy - where I want to clean everything and run as many errands as I can and go out and see people... (0-60). 

But then, even if I am still out, or sitting upright in a chair, my body just abruptly decides that it has had enough. I pass out. Not the fainting kind where I am standing in an aisle and slam to the ground - but the realization that I need to sit down and then, even in mid-conversation, I am asleep. A deep, exhaustive, almost drug-like sleep. It's scary! (From 60-0). 

And I never can predict when these times will happen. I have some sense, but every single day is different. 

It is unpredictable to me - but it is also unpredictable to my doctors. Frankly, they don't even know what to do with me or for me at this point. They have no idea what will help or hurt me. I mean, they do all of these tests and make diagnoses and try treatments... But every single person with any of these illnesses are different. They are no better prepared than I am. They don't have any more of a clue than I do. 

How do you think that feels? That constant sense of uncertainty... But even more than that... The constant sense of doing it alone. No one knows my body better than myself - and I don't have the first clue of how to anticipate what it'll do. 

Talk about feeling alone.