Holidays

I love the holidays. 

I love shopping for gifts for people, I love holiday food, spending time with family, sitting around with baileys or rum and eggnog, playing board games, listening to holiday music (after Hallowe'en is over, obviously). 

But holidays also breed stress... And lots of it. 

This past weekend was Canadian Thanksgiving weekend - and it was awesome, but was also filled with a lot of anxiety. I got to see my family and got to spend time in two different places with two different sets of people and fun and conversations. Add good food and it sounds pretty blissful. 

The only problem is that now, after the weekend, my body is in full retaliation mode. After spending 8 hours in a vehicle over 3 days, plus lack of sleep, and just an all around sense of anxiety from bein away from my own house, has angered my system. 

It feels as though I am becoming an introvert... And that's not really the case. I am just finding that the more illness I have, the more I have to be incredibly careful about every move I make, so being away from my house - where I have every possibly emergency plan, tools, meds, etc... - makes me feel anxious. 

Holidays also make you realize how amazing your life is - everything that you have accomplished and all of the incredible people in it - but we are fickle beings, and most of us have thoughts about what we HAVEN'T accomplished in the past year(s), what we have maybe missed out on, people we might be missing, plans that have had to be modified, and all of this together ends up creating some mixed feelings. It is natural to tend to focus on the negative aspects and the missed opportunities in life - and the holidays can sometimes bring that about. 

I also have to remind myself that with my illness - it's not just ME who feels the loss and the stress and the pressure. Anyone around me who cares about me feels it too. If I feel like I have skipped about 30 years of my life, then others around me feel it. If I feel as though I can never quite get comfortable in someone else's home, then others can feel it too. If I am feeling down or upset or stressed about appointments (past or future), results, surgeries, etc... Guaranteed that my friends and family who love me are feeling it too. 

It's harder for me in ways (because I am the one actually going through the physical pain, the psychological struggle between being honest with people and protecting loved ones from all of the information)... But it is harder for those around me in ways too. 

I can never walk away from all of this. It's impossible. It's always with me. 

But my friends and family who love me - they are staying by choice. They are CHOOSING to go through this journey with me - no matter how difficult - and I think that that is a much harder choice. 

Holidays. 

They are about celebrating everything in our lives that we love, everything that we are grateful for. And yet it feels like we have to work so much harder to focus on all of those incredibly positive things during this time. 

And how do you sort out all of the emotions of joy and sadness and guilt for being sad ... ? 

I guess the most prominent feeling that I am having lately is the feeling of being weathered. 

Holidays. 

I love the holidays - even though it is the toughest time of the year.