Christmas is the time to get together with friends and family, to eat amazing food and be around people you haven't seen in a long time - sometimes all year - to reminisce about previous years and to just enjoy being all together.
Along with friends joining the festivities - an old 'companion' decided to make an appearance today.
After almost an entire year of virtually no sign ... Crohn's Disease decided to show up and stir the pot.
There really is always that ONE .... Someone who shows up just to put a wrench into any real plans for the holidays. Now technically mine isn't a person.... But it definitely changed the course of my week. Maybe because it has been such a long time that I was debilitated from that particular health problem ... That I had actually expected to have a relatively normal Christmas other than joint pain and pelvic pain and maybe some vomiting here and there... Maybe that's why it has caused such a stir. The unexpected, unwanted, uninvited guest who has crashed the party - out of the blue.
What a jerk, right?
I was doin alright this morning, I had a white hot chocolate and was enjoying the day, but the moment I tried eating half a croissant, things went haywire. I became so fatigued that I literally could not stay awake. I went upstairs for a nap (thank goodness naps are completely normal for everyone this time of year), but then I started to get familiar symptoms. One being: Stomach pain.
Not the pain of being too full, not of indigestion or heartburn, not the pain that precedes any kind of vomiting, but that cramping pain that can put you on the floor. That pain that feels like your stomach is seizing like a back will seize during a tennis match. That debilitating pain that comes in hard and sharp and lasts for 30-60 seconds at a 9/10 then drops to a 4/10 for a few minutes - only enough time to finally allow you to start breathing normally again.
The only 'comfort' is to be as compact and scrunched up as possible. I'm not sure why exactly this works.... Maybe because if I physically scrunch up as much as humanly possible, then maybe there is no room to have any extra cramping.
Anyways - this means that I now need to stick to soft foods and full fluids again.
Not a huge deal - the garlic mashed potatoes, the yams with melted marshmallows, and soft gooey fudge are all on this list - as is the jellied cranberry sauce. It still hurts but not nearly as much. And I can still make myself full from eating that portion of Christmas Dinner. I just may have more than my share of fudge - hives be damned!!
Out of all of my Crohn's flare-ups over the Christmas Holidays (which are extensive), at least I can eat SOMETHING.
Normally our family has this huge get together either on Christmas eve or Christmas Day. Lots of extended family, lots of food and games and a huge White Elephant game. I really do look forward to this every year.
This year, however, I am staying close to home.
It's not that I am particularly anti-social, it has nothing to do with me wanting or not wanting to see family. It has everything to do with me.
I have a lot going on in my life that is positive. Family, friends, my puppy, some singing, some photo shoots, my home, cooking, yoga, etc... But there is a lot going on that is not good. I have virtually no good news when it comes to my health. I don't always want to admit it to myself let alone admit it to a group full of people. Plus the whole issue around being unable to work - that's always a particular knife to the heart so to speak. Not to mention the amount of energy it takes just to be awake.
I realize that statement sounds dramatic - and I am not intending to be dramatic at ALL - but really, just being awake takes it out of me these days. Especially the last couple of weeks. With the angioedemic episode, the trip to the hospital, the return of my cycle (for 10 days), the Lupron injection confusing my entire body further, some changes in medication and some travel, not to mention some pretty huge appointments that have passed and more coming up, I am exhausted just writing it all down - let alone trying to continue living a 'normal'ish life on top of it.
This year I truly do not feel as though I could muster up the physical, mental, and emotional energy to handle a huge family gathering. Having fun takes energy too - and most of the time I would say it is 100% worth it. But this year I really truly am NOT doing well... And if I can avoid a hospital visit by staying home and crouched up with immediate family... Then that is what I will do.
Pride and vanity are at play here too... I want family and friends to see me doing well....
Yes I love life.
Yes I am grateful for everything and everyone that I have in my life.
Yes I know that I have had the privilege of having some incredible opportunities and I have still been able to showcase what talents I DO have.
My health has, unfortunately, monopolized this holiday for me and I would rather focus on spending it with immediate family and extremely close friends... Because the truth is... I'm not doing well. Not right now.
That WILL change. Hopefully by next Christmas so that I can get back to enjoying a beloved family tradition.
I am very much looking forward to Christmas morning - to have hot cocoa and watch my adorable nephew open all of his gifts from Santa... To have pictures taken and even to allow Decker some outside monitored playtime without his cone!
Merry Christmas everyone!