I have spoken/written a lot about modification.
Modifying activities, goals, expectations, rules, wardrobe - anything that helps make life more enjoyable. Modifying dreams takes a little longer.
I used to dream about touring the world singing in cities across the world, or singing every other day just in whatever city I'd end up in. I used to dream about living in Nice or in Florence or any location that I fell in love with while I was traveling.
The biggest dream that, unfortunately, had to take the furthest back seat is being a professional athlete. It is not that I don't have the drive or desire or dedication - it is simply the fact that, no matter how stubborn I can be, I have to realize that my body is absolutely incapable of reaching that dream. (At least right now. I mean, you never know! Cures or even further hindrances could propel me into the field of Paralympics).
One other dream that a person *may* have guessed, but one I have not brought up previously, is how I have always wanted to be a writer.
With a degree in Music and Psychology, I was first and foremost interested in doing a Masters in English. I wanted to do an undergraduate degree in English as well, but time, funds and health all became factors in being unable to fully commit to schooling after my first undergraduate degree.
I was always interested in poetry, lyricism, and academic essays. I used to love essay questions on exams.
(Don't get me wrong - I am nowhere near the level I would have to be at in order to be a successful writer. Even this blog is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors)... Though it doesn't mean that I couldn't continue to learn and improve my writing skills.
What I wanted to bring up today is the nature of my creative writing. I will never be able to describe a scene or an emotion as effortlessly and eloquently as Sylvia Plath. I will likely never be able to write a captivating fiction novel. What I have learned, however, in this journey of health problem after health problem, is to be able to clearly describe my personal experience with pain, discomfort, agony, and all of the emotions that go along with dealing with chronic illness.
I may never publish any literary masterpieces, but maybe my words will reach someone out there - someone who may be going through similar trials though has difficulties in expressing/verbalizing them - and offer comfort, guidance, or even simply the knowledge that he/she isn't completely alone.
My entire goal with this blog was an attempt to express my physical and emotional struggles specifically related to chronic illness. The hope was to offer explanations of what I physically feel so that others may be able to understand me, as a person, more fully. How can you empathize with someone if you haven't gone through the same struggles? I am continually trying to find ways to express my physical sensations - through metaphors and analogies and comparisons and imagery - to those who do not deal with chronic pain and/or chronic illness.
Okay... So I'm not a writer... At least not yet ;).
This blog, however, has channeled my dream of being a writer to continually coming up with new ways of describing exactly how I feel in every sense of the word.
Who first came up with the description of 'pins and needles', or 'aches and pains', or even simply distinguishing between a 'burning' sensation or a 'sharp stabbing' pain? How can I use a general, common, feeling into describing how my internal organs make me feel? By becoming a better writer.... And I work on it every single day.
Even though I may never be published, at least I have the opportunity (and an endless supply of experience) to be a writer on an extremely small scale... It simply has to be concentrated on the topic of health, medicine, and health care systems and procedures - a modified dream of becoming a writer.