Guilt is my personal silent killer. Guilt about big things, small things, insignificant things, things I can't control - doesn't matter, guilt kills me.
One thing that I very often feel guilty about is not being able to work. Not being able to be active. Feeling useless and lazy and like a total bum.
But days like today remind me WHY I can't work.
And it has nothing to do with laziness.
This morning started off right!
I got up, got dressed and did my hair and makeup IMMEDIATELY, had a good nutritious breakfast, and did a morning yoga session (the link to that youtube video is in my previous blog post from today).
Unfortunately, I only managed to do about a 2 minute yoga session before I was completely and utterly worn out.
Due to some major hormonal imbalances (ladies - imagine an 8 week long consistent cycle AND hot flashes - best of both worlds :S ) ... I woke up with bedding, pillows, and all extra blankets absolutely drenched from feverish-like sweats all night.
Then - even though I was 100% motivated to get some important work done, I literally could not do it.
Even eating right and resting well and being on time with all medications could not stop my body from completely unhinging any tentative plans. I spent the entire day trying to nurse a migraine, trying to catch my breath while being exhausted from menial tasks (putting the toaster back in its drawer put me out of breath - seriously).
I still attempted paperwork and reading, but trying to focus my eyes was not the brightest idea when I already had a migraine.
Today has not been a particularly awful day, but it also hasn't been the greatest.
Today reminded me that no matter how motivated I feel, no matter how dedicated I am to being productive, my body just cannot do it. Some days it can - today wasn't one of them.
The good news?
Today I can't second guess myself. Today there was absolutely no guilt. Today I did not feel like I might be perceived as 'lazy'. I am NOT a lazy person.
Today I felt physically incapable. (Not that that is really a positive thing).
So instead about getting down on myself for being literally unable to get anything done ... I will focus on the fact that it reminds me WHY I can't work. Some days are obviously worse than others... But today is a pretty good indication of my 'average'. My 'normal'.
And it shows that motivation and attitude and pushing myself can't cure me. Mind over matter works in many cases - but No matter how POSITIVE I can be, no matter how IMPORTANT it is for me to be as active as possible, no matter how desperately I wanted to be active and be outside all day and exercise and play with Decker and feel GREAT - no matter how hard I try to feel better... My body doesn't agree.
Laziness has nothing to do with it.