One of the primary issues that comes up while dealing with chronic illness is unpredictability.
Sometimes there are signs that a flare-up is coming, sometimes it *could* have something to do with a particular activity or piece of food or procedure. Sometimes, though, there will have been no warning sign. And even worse than that - there is absolutely NO way to know for sure how to help. I am continuously caught in this back and forth bullsh*t with my body. My body and I are kind of like that super annoying couple who are always breaking up and getting back together, not knowing from one day to the next if the relationship is harmonious or volatile. Stuck in that never ending battle - which is overall truly toxic, but impossible to break off from.
Now I know that I have mentioned before that I literally have to take it day by day. In truth it's more like taking it hour by hour, but that is even tougher to get someone's mind around.
In addition to that, every 'remedy' that works differs day to day.
For instance - when I am in a flare and feel completely run down, fresh air often helps - but not always. And it seems as though it's not simply that it doesn't work on other days, but that it can actually make things far worse the next day! Sometimes it feels as though there is no middle ground. Either I feel better or I feel worse.
This idea spans several different remedies, including:
- eating
- going on a full fluid diet
- taking a bubble bath
- going for a walk
- getting out of the house in general
- napping (who am I kidding? It's sleeping... It's always for at least 2-3 hours.)
- cold or hot compresses
- extra meds
- yoga/physical activity/biking
- making myself look/feel pretty
Plus so so many others.
The last five days my body and I have been in a HUGE fight. I think 'she' felt as though I wasn't paying her enough attention, and she complied with everything that I wanted to do, but then once it was finished, she has now decided to basically throw a tantrum and DEMAND that I really pay attention.
This past weekend I was supposed to do some singing. I was really looking forward to getting on stage and doing what I love - playing piano and singing to an audience. Friday morning, my body had other plans. I have no idea what happened, but I woke up and was physically incapable of doing much of anything. I took Dex out for a bit but went back to bed until 4pm. I really tried to relax and get some beauty sleep so that I could muster up the energy to perform.
The sleep not only didn't help, but I felt even worse waking up.
Next strategy: do my hair and makeup and put jewelry on and pick out an outfit for the performance.
Same thing - it didn't help at all. It made it worse! I could not physically stand to do any of these things. I was able to do my hair, but it took me three times as long and I had to be seated on my bath bench.
Then there was the nausea and dry heaving. I had already maxed out on my anti-nausea medications (Gravol and Zofran), and I still couldn't shake it.
I then tried eating.
Not a good idea. The nausea spiked and I wanted to pass out.
I had to cancel singing.
Now you may not know me well enough to understand how drastic of a statement that is.
I figured that if I rested all night that I might feel well enough to sing the next day.
I tried sitting outside with Decker, I tried stretching, I tried eating, I tried drinking some G2 to replenish fluids - I ended up worse.
The next morning I woke up to an extremely embarrassing and awful situation. I am very lucky that both RJ and my Mom were here to help me out.
After a few days of constant sleeping and relaxing, I still feel horrendous today.
My theory? Pretty sure I caught a bug of some sort.
Same thing today - I tried all of my classic attempts to feel better (inside and out), but to no avail. AND I ended up worse than even the Friday morning.
Each day is different. Every. Single. Day.
Okay... That's fine... Most people who have any kind of health issue (physical, mental, emotional, etc...) deal with the unpredictability of their illnesses.
What is really frustrating?
Every single day of my life is trial and error. Two days ago, eating oatmeal (one of my comfort foods) helped slightly. Today - oatmeal made me feel ten time worse.
Every day is unpredictable. Every day is trial and error.
This latest bug isn't responding to any of my common remedies.
The back and forth nature of chronic illness and attempts to feel even slightly better is exhausting. It is irritating, taxing, and discouraging.
Now, of course, there is a good side to this. Okay maybe "good" is a stretch, but it helps make this kind of 'episode' or 'flare' a little more manageable:
I was able to watch the entire third season of Orange is the New Black, caught some great throwback movies on tv (My Girl), I caught up on some reading, and I had so much downtime that I was able to make some vital phone calls and do a little bit of organizing and filing. Plus - I got to break in all of my new bedding!!
Oh yeah - and I got some pretty sweet empathy cuddles. From TWO boys....
Thanks to RJ and Decker, as well as having my Mom up here to help, I was able to experience a HUGE improvement in my psychological and emotional well-being.
Whatever kind of bug this may be, I just hope that I feel strong enough by this weekend to have a nice day-date and maybe head to the Saskatoon Farm -before the whole city gets chaotic from Stampede!