We all know the struggles of body image. I don't know one person in my life that hasn't scrutinized how they look, and I also haven't met one person who hasn't scrutinized others because of how they look.
For some reason, human beings seem to constantly be obsessed with body image and weight. Every decade seems to have that 'perfect body' image that we are all supposed to want to attain - and every decade, the 'perfect body' standards are changed! Sometimes the standards are flipped around completely!
I mean, how is ANYONE supposed to keep up!
I am watching a tv show that includes this absolutely stunning girl who had worked extremely hard to lose 70 lbs in order to be healthier. She is trying on clothing, and every time she sees herself in the mirror she starts crying. Despite having this absolutely stunning hourglass figure - literally: perky C-cups, tiny waist prob size 4-6, and this toned bottom, plus toned and slim to athletic arms and legs - she still truly believes that she is too overweight to wear certain items of clothing. Not only does she look perfect, but she has beautiful eyes and a gorgeous face - even when she had smeared all of her makeup from those unfortunate tears, she could still walk in a room and be envied by everyone in it.
This doubt is what most people feel on a daily basis. Sometimes it helps to take a random picture of someone from about ten feet away - without showing the face - and then show it to that person. He/she can often be pleasantly surprised. If he/she saw someone else with the same body type EXACTLY, it may not register that that is precisely what others see in them!
So what does body image have to do with chronic illness?
Struggling with any illness is incredibly difficult. Struggling with drastic weight changes is very difficult. But what happens if those weight changes are because of health? And what if there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it?
Last year I had lost over 30 lbs total because of a major thyroid malfunction along with several flare-ups of other illnesses. Not to mention the whole IUD fiasco. I went down to a size 0 again. I began to receive compliments about how great I looked and how I looked better and healthier - and yet I was so sick and my body had deteriorated so much that I was headed for a potentially fatal summer.
Over a decade ago, I had the opposite problem! Due to being put on Prednisone to help with my symptoms, not only was there a drastic change in my face shape, but the water retention made my body balloon to a size 13 or so.
Let's add in the complication of Hereditary Angioedema.
For years I could not understand why a skirt would look amazing one day, and the very next day make me look much larger than I was! It was so confusing and I had no idea what was going on. For a long time I really thought that maybe that one extra bite of dinner, or that one tiny piece of cake, or only being able to walk for 10 minutes instead of 15 minutes were the culprits for the 'weight gain' that I felt I was experiencing. But then the next day I would eat extremely carefully and it didn't seem to make a difference. Three days later I would eat like a pig, down some nachos with cheese right before bed, and I would wake up with inches lost on my legs and stomach. I had no idea how that could be happening. There would also be days where I would put on a dress, look twenty times in the mirror to make sure that I felt beautiful and confident and skinny, but by the afternoon I would see myself in a washroom mirror and think to myself... That is NOT the way this dress looked at home! How did I miss that cellulite on my arms?!?!? Why do I look like I am busting out of this dress???
Once we figured out the angioedema it all made sense. I started measuring the circumference of my legs in three spots, my waist, and my arms. After weeks of these measurements daily and sometimes more than once a day, the results were shocking!
Oh boy do my legs ever swell!!!
My 'median' measurements are 28-29" at the waist, 23" at the thigh, and 16" above the knee. That is when I feel the best and the most confident and I can put on pretty much anything in my closet and feel beautiful. I also am not particularly swollen that I can tell when my body shows these measurements.
On a BAD day - usually when I have been overly busy, overly stressed, abnormally excited or angry, or even simply in a lot of pain, my measurements are MUCH larger. Keep in mind that these measurements are not months or even weeks apart. These changes have been seen as close together as in the same day - more often right before and right after a performance or a date - when I am feeling very nervous and then afterwards when I have finally relaxed. My measurements on those days:
Waist - 32"
Thigh - 29"-30"
Knee - 18"
So in one day, I can gain or lose up to 6 inches just in my thighs.
So how do I battle body image?? I mean, my body is constantly and visibly changing. I can feel skinny in the morning and then feel incredibly different by the afternoon. And like most people who have dealt with body image, whichever weight I have been at that I have hated the most is usually what I see in the mirror.
I can also tell you from experience that no matter what size I have been, I have always found something about myself that I did not like. When I was size 0 I didn't like how my bust looked, my face felt hollow and I had virtually no muscle anymore. When I was size 13 I didn't like how thick my stomach looked even though it was still flat. I didn't like how my legs looked in anything and I could never go braless. Now that I am at a more stable weight overall, I still look in the mirror and often think that maybe I can't pull off certain outfits because of how thick my thighs look to me or how pudgy I think my arms look.
So how did this idea of body image get so awful? Is it the media with photoshopping every guy and girl to have the perfect body? Is it our own ideas of what we think is beautiful? Is it all of the criticism that everyone seems to participate in? (I am sure guilty of this). Is it because we are CONSTANTLY comparing ourselves - not just to others, but also to other versions of ourselves?
I read one piece of advice from an elderly woman one day that I think can ring true for a lot of people. She said that her only regret was not being satisfied with her body when she had the perfect body.
She explained that looking at pictures of when she was younger, she remembered that - at the time - she felt ugly and gross and hated her body, and yet when she saw the pictures in her later years she realized how incredible she actually looked.
It's one thing to strive to be healthy or healthier - it's an entirely different thing to always be striving for a societal standard - whatever the standard might be at the time.
I am pretty comfortable with my body image right now, but I still have days where I feel massive. Those days are usually when I am experiencing a swell. And there is nothing that I can do about it.
If I get much thinner, then some of my injections would be more difficult, I would have less energy, and if I were to get sick with a flu or cold or suddenly lose any weight, then I would be in physical danger. If I were to gain much more, it would simply be harder to get around and I would have a tough time fitting into clothing that I love. I would also have a harder time feeling pretty.
I have to constantly remind myself as to how I might look to other people in my life - specifically the ones who truly care about me.
In a society with such a focus on outward appearance, it can be even more taxing when you have illnesses that create more obstacles in that department.
I have been every size between 0-13. I have been every cup size from A-D.
Here is what I can tell you:
1. People are going to be critical of how you look. There is no size or shape that will not get criticized.
2. People are going to envy how you look. There is no size or shape that will not be envied by others.
Are you comfortable? Are you healthy in regards to weight? Do you feel beautiful and happy and like your outfit choices and enjoy how you feel on a regular basis? And the big question - is it anyone's business how YOU feel about your body image?
Body image seems to be a universal struggle. I am not sure that that will ever change. It is, however, nice to sit back, relax, think of all of the things that you like about your body, and then focus on everything that you are enjoying in your life!
At the end of your life, I know that I won't be thinking about how thin or overweight I was at different times in my life. My 'claim to fame' or 'legacy' is not going to be that I was skinny. The most important parts of my life will be my family, my friends, how I lived my life, who I have around me, and what I DID with my life! I will remember performing music and being involved in athletics and traveling and all of the incredibly neat things that I have been able to experience in my lifetime.
We have (sadly) become a society that thrives on public shaming, a society that craves competition, a society that encourages name-calling and condescension and unruly debates online over the smallest issues.
So why not give yourself a break, buy a gorgeous dress or top or shoes or suit that fits YOU perfectly? Who cares what the size is! Time to own your look and forget about beauty standards - because once you finally reach that 'perfect body' standard, the standard is going to change anyways. It's a losing battle - and not worth participating in.
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