My dad:
Like most men, in my experience, he prides himself on being able to fix things. He is a 'fixer', and he teaches me how to fix things myself. He always lends a helping hand, whether it be car trouble or repairs that are needed around the house, or maybe helping me with finances or fixing my computer.
Having a daughter who is chronically ill challenges this instinct.
On Mother's Day weekend, I outlined some of the endless ways that my mom has played a vital role in helping me deal with my chronic illnesses. I want to do the same for my dad for Father's Day.
I credit my dad as being one of the strongest men that I know - but not always in the physical sense.
The support of my family truly knows no bounds.
My dad may not be able to fix me, but he has helped enormously just by being there. I know that I can call him at any point in the day or night, and that if I need him, he'll be there. I know that if I am nervous about driving to an appointment for any reason, he would drop everything just to get me there so that I didn't have to worry about parking or attempting to focus on traffic in between bursts of tears. When I have to go on a specific diet, he will go overboard and fill my pantry and fridge with a variety of food and drink items that fit the criteria. He taught me that humor can be an incredibly effective way to take my mind off of the pain. He has taught me that no matter what happens, no matter what changes need to be made, to matter what life throws at us, we will always get through everything as a family. He taught me how to be my own advocate, how to fight for what I need, and has shown me support in every single decision that I have made (even if he doesn't always agree with the decision). My family has taught me that there is nothing more important than the health and happiness of family. I learned that there is no avenue that isn't worth exploring - we do and we try whatever we need to in order to provide some relief. I am never questioned or doubted or criticized. I am not ridiculed or ignored. I would not be where I am, or who I am, without this limitless support.
He can't take my pain away. He can't stop me from vomiting uncontrollably. He can't help me increase my energy levels. There is nothing he can really do to help me physically feel any better. He has had to watch his daughter continually deteriorate. He has had to sit back and watch me suffer for almost 15 years.
He can't protect me.
He can't fix me.
I can't imagine how helpless that must make him feel.
I think it is probably one of the toughest situations for a parent to experience. How do you learn to sit back and watch as someone you love is dealing with never-ending pain? Not just someone you love, but someone who you feel obligated to protect... How do you suppress the instinct to do whatever it takes to fix the problem? How do you learn to accept the fact that there is nothing you can do, that you have to place the life of your daughter in someone else's hands?
Chronic illness is a day to day process. It is a trial-and-error routine. There is a learning curve to it, and when you think you've almost got it all figured out, something else comes up that throws a wrench in the mix. One thing after another, after another, after another. You are constantly second guessing everything, constantly making blind decisions, unable to anticipate the outcomes. Sometimes you try new things and make choices that you think are in your child's best interest, only to find out that, perhaps, what you thought would help actually ended up causing more harm. It is just as much a learning curve for me as it is for everyone around me. There is no guarantee that I will not accidentally make things worse. These illnesses are not well understood - there are no guarantees that my illnesses will improve based on a new diet, medication, activity, treatment, procedure, surgery, or therapy of any kind.
The worst part of it all is that it is a constant internal battle - trying not to place blame.
The truth is, there is no one to blame. No one in this situation is at fault.
I don't think that the words exist for the amount of gratitude I have for my dad. For being there. For being supportive. For making me laugh and making me smile. For giving me the security in knowing that he will help me get through anything and everything. For ensuring that I know that I can ask for help at any point in time. For helping remove stress from my life. For trying to make everything easier. For backing me up on any decision I make, even if he didn't initially agree with the decision.
I am thankful for all of the quality time spent in hospitals. For encouraging me to do what I love and be exactly who I am. For being that solid and secure support that I need, while also being a soft place to fall when needed. For never making me feel criticized, ridiculed, or ashamed of any of my illnesses or symptoms (and for putting up with some of the more frustrating symptoms - like mood swings). For helping me even when I am being stubborn and refuse to ask for help. For constantly adapting to this unpredictable situation. For demonstrating the true meaning of unconditional love and support.
I could not have asked for a better family.
I know that you hate that you can't fix me.
But you've been able to support me and help in every way possible.
Thank you,
Happy Father's Day!