Having dinner with friends the other evening, we got into an interesting discussion about belief and understanding.
Certain experiences are absolutely impossible to comprehend unless you have personally dealt with them.
Situations like coming face to face with a Grizzly bear, being mistreated by someone in a position of authority, getting a 'bad vibe' from someone or some thing, having a nightmare, being in pain ... These are all situations that can only be taken at face value. Being supportive requires an unconditional acceptance, trust, and belief that someone in that situation is being truthful and his/her feelings are, in fact, tangible, real, and justified - to that person.
One of the absolute WORST feelings is not being believed.
This is true at any age, for any reason, and is always worse when the skeptical individual is a loved one or someone else in control of your situation.
Imagine even as a child, seeing a massive spider crawl under your bed for the first time. Imagine running to your parents crying and frantic and needing them to come and kill that spider. Once they get there, they can't find it, and imagine if, instead of consoling you, they insist it was only in your imagination and ask you not to bother them again with such a trivial complaint; that because they couldn't find it, it must have not existed at all.
It may seem trivial to an adult, but for a small child, that could feel like a traumatic betrayal.
Now imagine the millions of people who deal with invisible illnesses going through their entire lives consistently not being believed. These people are questioned incessantly, they face skepticism and criticism and doubt on a daily basis...
Just because people don't believe you does not make the pain any less intense or any less real. Just because people don't believe you doesn't prove that you're wrong or that it doesn't exist, it just means that those people are not necessarily in your corner. It means that those people cannot fathom what you are going through, and, therefore, have no point of reference to compare their experiences with yours.
Sometimes, trying to convince someone that your symptoms are real and that you are being forthcoming and honest, is pointless. Sometimes it is much better to simply part ways - because there is no way of forcing another to be empathetic to your suffering.
But what happens when the skeptical and doubting individuals are those who are in charge of your health? What happens when it is a nurse or a doctor who doesn't believe you? What happens when you are taken to the hospital by ambulance, and after arriving, the ER doctor does not BELIEVE that you are experiencing the feelings that you are?
You can't just storm out or ask to be cared for by someone else at that moment. You are asking for his/her help to survive this particular experience. You are relying on their years and years of expertise and training to help you through an excruciating experience. You have relented and given up trying to deal with this pain on your own, at home, in your comfortable bed, using your own washroom, and having privacy, in order to get proper care - and then the doctor doesn't believe you. He/she looks at your chart and listens to your complaints and decides that (for whatever reason) you are not being truthful; you are not actually in that much agony.
Then what?
Not being believed is by far one of the most devastating feelings.
It is one of the many reasons why I carry a medical journal along with documented measurements and pictures and even diagnostic test results - any information that can be better viewed as 'proof' over complaints.
You do not have control over what someone else thinks of you, but you DO have control over what YOU believe.
Maybe this post will help some people think twice before dismissing others with invisible illnesses. Maybe this will help people understand how damaging it can be to have your own suffering trivialized for no other reason than simply being incapable of seeing the issue.
Just because you cannot see another's pain does NOT mean that it doesn't exist.