We are all have several different 'sides' to us that make us exactly who we are. We all have a grumpy side, a giddy side, a strong side, and a sensitive side. We all have hobbies and talents and likes and dislikes, and not too many people around us get to see each and every side of who we are. If you are anything like me, there are a select few people who have seen all of my sides, and otherwise things are kept separate.
This makes me feel like I am several different people at the same time.
I have always been one of those 'floaters'. I played competitive team and individual sports, I competed in piano and singing, I auditioned and performed plays and musicals, I loved school and academics, I partied a bit in University, I love to cook, write, and sing, and I am a huge NFL fan. I love to get dolled up and wear dresses and heels, but in the Summer you will mainly find me in the sticks at a random campsite trudging through the mud to go fishing or scavenge for more firewood. The point is - I feel like I am several different people. Most of my groups of friends hail from one of the above activities, maybe two.
I have some NFL and volleyball friends, some music friends, some girly friends, some tomboy camping friends...well, you get the idea.
When you are chronically ill, the illness becomes a 'side' of you. It is always there, it is included in your whole being; it is who you are. But you sometimes get to choose who sees that side of you.
All of my friends know about my chronic illness struggles. Some of my friends have been to appointments with me or are in kind of an 'inner circle' where I feel comfortable talking about illness specifics... but only a few people have ever really SEEN what these illnesses do to me. I don't show my severe episodes or my bad days to just anyone.
In fact, most of the time I will downplay things when I am out with friends. I will put on my 'game face' and focus on the social aspect of everything... Laugh, joke, drink, and just enjoy my time out.
Of course the athlete is still in here. So is the singer. So is the academic. But in a social situation, unless we are talking about karaoke or beer pong, those 'sides' of me are likely not going to make an appearance. They may not even make it into the conversation - and that is normal. The same goes with illness. I am still chronically ill. It is still a VERY prominent part of who I am, but it doesn't always make an appearance when I am trying to focus on being social.
If you decided to go for a few drinks with friends and you knew that one of the individuals at this get-together was an extreme hiker. Perhaps they have been involved in team expeditions and have traveled the world to climb the most treacherous peaks on Earth. Then, after several hours, you walk up to that person accusing them of NOT being this extreme hiker. In your mind, this person has shown no sign of being a hiker and has not spoken about it (which is only far-fetched because extreme hiking is a damn cool topic of conversation), so that MUST mean that he/she is actually not a hiker. I mean, perhaps she has her hair curled and is wearing this tiny little cocktail dress with beautifully manicured hands and strappy heels. Or maybe he is wearing a bow tie with a business suit and shiny shoes. Whatever the case, he/she looks nothing like what a hiker 'should' look like.
Now how absurd does that sound?
That person is still a hiker whether you can tell or not. Hiking could be the most important part of that person's life... but it is only one side of that person. It is only one portion of who he/she is, and perhaps he/she thought that a social gathering was not the best place to show off or 'prove' this passion. Maybe that person didn't want to show that side or talk about that hobby with the people there. Maybe it just didn't seem like an appropriate venue.
The point is - consider yourself lucky that you don't have to visibly see the suffering that a chronically ill patient endures. There is nothing glamorous or exciting or entertaining about dealing with chronic illness.
Being sick is a part of a person - and only one part - and we don't want to always look or seem sick. We want to show off other sides of our personalities.
Invisible illness can be a conflicting experience. It is nice to be able to fake being healthy. It is nice not to have to wear nausea all over my face. I can simply smile and breathe and sit up straight and no one would have any clue that I was preparing a doggy bag to vomit into. That is a nice perk. I get to hide my illness.
The bad part of it is that hiding my illness means that I am going to be judged by those people who genuinely believe that chronic illness has a particular look or face. It means that my young-ish face conflicts with the use of a walker. One lady even thought I was using a cane as a fashion statement (which was actually pretty hilarious at the time). People are less likely to believe you when your illness can be hidden.
Illness is a part of me. It is a side of me that makes me who I am. And I am as much a chronically ill person as I am a musician and an athlete. I just don't show off that side of me as readily as I show other sides. I think you can understand why.
When someone has a scar, the instinct is to hide that scar.
Well I have internal and external scars, and I am not jumping at the opportunity to show them off all the time either.