You know, having invisible diseases doesn't just challenge the views of others of what I am actually capable of, but that doubt seeps into my own thoughts a lot of the time.
Every once in a while, especially after avoiding a certain activity, I think 'can I really physically not do this or am I being avoidant and evasive because I am scared?'. I wonder, sometimes, if, at some point, I may have exaggerated my limitations.
So, on a day like today, when I had some time to myself in a public place, when no one was watching and no one was around, I decided to try and climb a flight of stairs. Just in case I got better without knowing. Just in case my FEAR of stairs was the driving force of avoiding stairs.
So, being the stubborn person that I am, I decided to descend a flight of stairs and climb back up. I intended on doing two flights back up to level 3.
Here is what I found out.
I am not exaggerating ANYTHING.
The pain, the tremors, and the exhaustion are all too real. I struggled down that one flight, wincing on every single movement. Every single step that I took was excruciatingly painful in my hips especially.
I still tried going UP the flight, and made it up one, only to have to sit down, catch my breath, take a pain killer, and then dry heave in a nearby washroom. I then took the elevator for that second flight, since I knew I wouldn't have made it up by walking in one piece.
It's hard enough when other people look at you and make you feel like you're being lazy. What's worse is that they don't understand that I ALREADY feel that way. I already feel like I am lazy and I am being avoidant. In addition to that, those judgements seep in SO deeply that I start to actually believe them myself. And then I test myself. I test my actual physical capabilities.
And you know what sucks?
Being reminded of physical limitations.
It was hard enough the first time learning that stairs were horrendously difficult. It was even worse this time.
After I left, I was supposed to run errands and get groceries, but the stair climb ruined that plan. I went home, took Dex out, and I fell asleep (more passed out) by 1pm. I did not even partially wake up until 8:30pm and I was so ill that I had sweat through all of my bedding and I truly could not tell whether it was 8:30pm or 8:30am the next morning.
"Are stairs really that awful?"
Yes.
Yes they are.