I want to take a minute to talk about this planned surgery. I want to talk about what something like this can do to a person - psychologically and emotionally.
We can all guess the physical implications a hysterectomy/oophorectomy can have... From small tears, post-operative complications, scar tissue, to injured bowels, infection, and worse... But what kind of emotional trauma is included? What can you expect?
This is my personal perspective. This surgery has been a LONG time coming. Discussions about it started over 9 years ago, and discussions about function loss in that area started even earlier.
At 14 I was told that Ulcerative Colitis may affect my ability to have children.
At 17 I was told that I could not physically handle a pregnancy. I could not feasibly be taken off of my medications and bringing a child to term would put me in grave danger, and the likelihood of the baby dying was a high percentage.
At 17 I looked into the costs of freezing eggs, adoption procedures, surrogacy options. I had always wanted kids, but my ability to confidently carry my own child to term had been taken away.
At 25 I found myself on long-term disability - unable to work, unable to function normally, unable to participate in many recreational activities and sports, and unable to live daily life with ease.
At 26 I was using a cane at times and a walker on the rare occasion. I found myself vomiting from the most menial tasks and having life-threatening vomiting fits on a regular basis. So, at 26, I finally realized that I could not raise kids. I was single at the time and found everything difficult. I decided that my illness and the unpredictability of my situation would make it impossible for me to be the kind of mother that I would want to be. I was already a puppy mum to my pup as well as an auntie to my amazing nephew... and puppy-mum-hood is what I will be capable of.
The closer we get to this surgery, the more I think about this topic. I notice kids a lot more. I see pregnant friends and strangers everywhere. And every single time, I get this giddy feeling and I am excited for that individual, but it also comes with an instinctive 'lump in my throat'.
I am not having children. And unless we found a 100% guaranteed cure for all of my ailments, nothing will change my mind. I will be a puppy mum and I am thrilled about it.... But it still hurts.
What has surprised me recently is what part of motherhood I will miss out on the most. I have known that I cannot have my own children for 12 years... I have had 12 years to grapple with that notion and to get used to that idea. Only in the last 3-4 years have I truly decided not to raise children - adopted or otherwise.
And yet the two parts of motherhood that can still put me in tears is the actual pregnancy as well as breast-feeding. These two parts of raising children seem, to me, to be the most maternal. It can give the greatest bond. It can be the greatest miracle.
That option was taken away from me a long time ago, and yet it's the part I have the toughest time coping with. Becoming pregnant is something that I will never get to experience, and THAT is what I keep thinking about the closer I get to surgery.
It does not matter at what age a woman loses the ability to have children - it is ALWAYS hard. The finality of any surgery or even of menopause can have detrimental effects on emotion and psychological health.
I have had years and years and years to come to terms with this subject, and I feel as though I am as ready as anyone CAN be for this surgery, but that doesn't mean that it is easy.
Good thing Dex is such an amazing dog-kid. He really is my baby and a big part of our family and I couldn't ask for a better furry companion.