This week has been devastating, confusing, painful, almost unbearable at times.
But I am nearing the end of the week. One more doctor to see, one more stop at the pharmacy, and then onto fun things.
My overall plan has been squandered. I was hoping to go on a mini-vacation before surgery. This mini vacay will still happen, but the surgery will not (at least not now). BUT - I was also planning on taking a proper vacation if the surgery successfully helped me feel just a touch better. I was hoping to fly down to Florida or go to Disneyland or maybe take a cruise in tropical weather. Or maybe go and see the Tulip festival out in Ottawa. Or down to Cedar Point!
Without any improvement in my condition, a true vacation is kind of a pipe dream. (Which makes me happy that I did happen to do some traveling while I was on Remicade several years ago).
I know that we will figure something out.
I know that a vacation even an hour away will still be phenomenal and perfect and amazing.
I know that there are lots of places nearby that can give me that feeling of being on vacation.
But, damnit, am I too selfish to think that I deserve a true vacation? Am I asking too much to just take a break from all this medical crap? Is it unreasonable to think that I deserve a weekend without worrying about pain or doctors or medication or symptoms or side effects?
Maybe.
But that kind of break is impossible. I never get to take a break from all of this illness.
And the only reason it is bothering me so much is that I had been planning on taking a vacation if surgery helped. So the real question is - can my body physically handle a trip right now, without surgery? A trip with flights or hours and hours of driving and hotels and cabs and champagne and sightseeing...?
The answer is no. Right now a long trip would be too dangerous.
So I will buck up and be thankful that I can at least get out of town and head out to a little mountain town for a couple of days without experiencing a life-threatening fallout. I will remind myself that I have felt worse. I will count my blessings and get on track with adapting to the situation change. I will come up with a great holiday that we can take nearby.
I will buck up.
I will snap out of it.
I will find ways to adapt.
But for right now, for a few days, I will also allow myself to cry, to be pissed off and cranky, to throw a bit of a tantrum, and to indulge in some very rare "why me?" sentiments.
Because this week has sucked.
And I believe that I deserve a break...
Feel free to send me some great vacation ideas for in Alberta. I have a few in mind but would love to hear about some amazing experiences had in this beautiful province - in places that could make me feel as though I am a million miles away. .