Alright, I know we are not really supposed to talk about this kind of thing right now, and I know that overall I am extremely lucky. Tons of girls would kill to be the size that I am, and every girl (and guy) is always looking in the mirror wishing that something was different. And I hate that. I hate that we fall into that habit of putting looks on the top of the pedestal and that that is what we focus on. I envy those women - no matter what size - who are simply naturally confident in their own skin. I am self conscious. I wasn't always... but it happened, and I became self conscious about my body, and now that I am getting older it feels worse.
I just need a couple of minutes to rant - even though I should not really be complaining.
Prednisone made my weight fluctuate drastically... which produced lots of stretch marks. Then drugs like Remicade, Humira, and Enbrel all induced swelling as a reaction - mostly my boobs, and they didn't exactly bounce back to where they had been. I also have this disease that causes me to swell - my entire body. My thighs are the worst, then upper arms, boobs, abdomen, fingers, and basically everywhere. This swelling is caused by virtually nothing - changes in stress or emotion. I am also on Estrogen add-back therapy, which ALSO causes swelling. Oh and let's not forget Hashimoto's (hypothyroid auto-immune disorder). So if my medication is off then I also start to gain weight.
So even though I work out, maintain a 1200 calorie-a-day diet of GOOD food (for the past 3 months at least), stay as active as physically possible for someone with my conditions, I continue to gain. And it isn't just gaining - it is fluctuating. Fluctuating not by mere centimeters or a pound or two, I mean by FIFTEEN pounds from one day to the next, from a 28inch waist to a 33 inch waist in one day - hell, in one afternoon!! I can walk into a store, try on a size Medium, then come back to that store after walking for twenty minutes and an XL will be too small - like skin-tight bulging sausage body too small.
I have over 20 bras... because I can fluctuate from As (if I am super ill skinny which isn't good) to DDs... I can have Bs on Friday night and Ds by Saturday morning. Let's not forget the size proportion issues. My thighs right now are size 12... but my dress size is still a 6 or an 8 at the most. My thighs are literally double my actual size. Why? Just from a disease. Not squatting or weight lifting, from a disease I have no control over. Even when I wear rings I often have to switch which fingers my rings are on because one minute they could be falling off of my thumb, the next minute I can't even get those past the first knuckle of my pinky.
So, after finding out about a random and unexpected termination of some medical benefits, we decided to do a little retail therapy for summer clothes that *might* actually fit me. I bought two pairs of shorts, a bigger bikini, and I caved and bought a one-piece since my swelling episodes have been so extreme lately.
I know, I know, these are very small issues. It is just appearance, and I am lucky enough to have a man who truly loves me no matter what my body might be doing.
But I get frustrated sometimes... and I think we all do... and I will feel better about it tomorrow.
Sometimes, though, I just want to pull my hair and scream. Once, just once, I would like to have my body appearance match MY decisions about food intake and activity, instead of being controlled by illnesses I have no real power over.
I mean, two years ago I had to eat over 2000 calories a day to try and get past a size 0! Why? My thyroid fluctuated and my medication was too much! I would ideally love to be a size 4 to 6 and then actually maintain a steady size and steady measurements. That size is when I felt the most confident as well as the 'healthiest' in general.
It is just a number. It is just a silly, ridiculous standard that we make up. It is even more ridiculous to worry about it... but I do. And, every once in a while, I just want to admit that sometimes it sucks not feeling in control.