This morning got me pretty panicked.
Over the past two months I have kept saying that my IBD symptoms are still 'not as bad as they were when I was in university' and that has been my way of downplaying it. Of reminding myself that, even though it doesn't feel nice, it could be worse; it HAS been worse. A lot worse.
Well, this morning has me eating my words.
I woke up this morning and immediately experienced intestinal cramping. About every 3-4 minutes I get this 20-30 second 9.5/10 pain that stops everything. It makes me double-over and cry out in pain, I get light-headed and feel faint, and I instinctively hold my breath until it's gone.
Then it relaxes for a few minutes before doing it all over again.
This pain is the same as it was when I was in University.
Luckily for me, I do not (at this point) have urgency or a couple other symptoms that are pretty horrifying, but this pain has me having some flashbacks and has got me pretty scared.
Flashbacks of having to be on Prednisone, of being given 10 seconds notice to get to a washroom, avoiding certain roads and stores because you can't get to a washroom within 10 seconds, that panicked feeling, terrified to eat, terrified to leave the house, having buckets and camping toilets in the vehicle, no control, always carrying extra pants and underwear wherever I go - just in case...
It could just be a bad day. Really. But this doesn't feel temporary.
The good news is that I know I can handle it, because I have done it before. For years. The biggest issue is that my previous coping mechanisms will not be available this time around.
My biggest, and most effective, coping strategy in junior high, high school, and university, was adrenaline. I would spend 6+ hours each day in the gym, then I would spend time playing a sport, then I would go dancing for as long as I possibly could. That activity, that movement, all of that amazing adrenaline improved my pain and slowed down digestion - which gave me some relief. In that sense, the terrible insomnia I experienced on Prednisone helped me stay active longer. I lived on 2-3 hours of sleep per night maximum. I would stay out late dancing or spend my nights writing papers and doing crunches. If I slowed down even just a little bit I would cry myself to sleep.
The upside is that I was always in shape - even on Prednisone I still managed to have abs. My body always had strength and I was healthy in every other way that I could be.
Sure, it made me look a little obsessed, and like a bar-star, but it was what I needed to do.
Now, activity and the gym and sports and dancing are all off the table. Not completely, but there is no way I could feasibly even walk on the treadmill once a day. Maybe my stationary pedal and nightly stretching will do the trick, along with music. Music has always had such a discipline to it - I had to stand still and show no emotion, so I had to learn how to deal with these cramps while performing. I eventually learned how to conceal it. How to pretend to be healthy; pretend to be normal.
I could do it again if I had to. I just have to get used to a new normal. And once it's triggered it doesn't really matter what triggered it. It's not like I can just remove that trigger and it will reverse it... it doesn't work that way. It has never worked that way.
Let's say I picked up a flu bug that triggered it. The bug is obviously gone, but the damage is already done. Or maybe it was something that I ate that kind of 'woke it up'. Well, it's awake now.
So today is a day of puppy cuddles, attempting to sleep a few more hours, then hopefully getting some bloodwork done.
And maybe now I won't be going on the Cosentyx to try and help my arthritis... but I guess if it's already back, why not try it?
Okay I am rambling.
Back to bed.