I have been having some major difficulties sleeping lately, for various reasons.
I often wake up after only a few hours of sleep and absolutely cannot fall back asleep. So I often write a blog or two, I scour through social media and news stories and do random searches online. Sometimes I listen to guided meditations through earbuds to try and help me fall back asleep.
Out of instinct, since I am awake anyways, all I want to do is be productive and get a head start on the day.
For instance, over the next three days, I have some baking for the holidays that I still want to finish, I would love to tidy up the kitchen and dining room since they are both a mess. I would ideally love to have a nice long bath, maybe record a couple of songs for YouTube, maybe do some reading, writing, or just simply watch a holiday movie until I am tired enough to doze off again. Right at this very moment I would absolutely LOVE to get in warm Winter clothes and take Dex for a nice, long, playful walk and session of fetch in the deep snowdrifts. Get some fresh air and watch him bound in the fluffy snow.
But it is only 3:30 in the morning. I definitely don't want to wake up Ryan, and I don't want to get myself so riled up that I am forced to sleep the entire day away to compensate for a sleepless night. Plus, I would only be capable of managing one or two of those activities before my body would start screaming in pain - which would, in turn, prevent me from sleeping more anyways.
So I lie here, thinking about everything that I want to get done, restless but trying not to move too much, listening to the "Sounds of Snoring", writing blog posts and making mental 'to-do lists'.
Unfortunately for me, I have some extremely important phone calls to make and ones I am waiting to be returned, so baking, having a long bath, and recording music cannot be done until after typical work hours....
Wouldn't that be exactly how it would happen? Run this amazing and luxurious bubble bath, grab a novel, get in the tub with a face mask and spa music, and then hear my phone ring? Or miss that elusive phone call because my phone is on silent to record a video (like what happened yesterday)... Or have three or four pans of meringue cookies in the oven only to be distracted on the phone for so long that a(nother) batch of cookies is utterly ruined?
Not to mention the fact that I have my injection in a few hours - which usually exhausts me to the point of a medicated and restless sleep for the most part of the day anyways - which will put me in a less-than-ideal mental capacity to deal with a situation that has been stressing me for months.
So I will continue to lie here, anticipating the morning, anxious, restless, with a wandering mind and wanting to take advantage of some extra energy - regardless if that energy is a bit ill-timed.
With all of that said, I am truly looking forward to the weekend and the holiday and all of the joys and excitement that Christmas brings. I am especially excited to have Ryan open his Christmas presents. I skipped the traditional t-shirt purchases from Lammle's, bags of candy or chocolate, and sappy sentimental gifts, and went for something a little more surprising and cool.
Wishing everyone a very Happy Holiday season and hoping that each and every person gets a break from their own struggles. I know for myself, although illness does not take a break, I can - mentally and emotionally - and I can simply focus on the present and all of the wonderful people and everything I am blessed and truly grateful to have in my life.