Children

The choice to raise children or not to raise children is an intimately personal decision.
I wanted to take a moment to speak about why and how we came to our decision.

We have decided not to raise children.
This was not a quick decision, and it was not an individual decision. Both my husband and I made this choice together. We also had both agreed that if either of us found ourselves believing faithfully that our lives needed children, we would revisit the conversation. 

I don't think it is any secret that I cannot have my own children. This was also a reality that happened over time. After my first diagnosis I was told that having children may be more difficult. Then, after my first major abdominal surgery in 2003, I was told the percentage chance of becoming pregnant was dramatically reduced and would reduce even more so by the time I turned 24. I had a second major abdominal surgery after that, and with the creation of the J-Pouch, I knew that pregnancy could result in severe effects for my IBD.
Not only that, but my medication regimen was already risky for any pregnancy. The Methotrexate alone has been used in the past as a method of pregnancy termination, and is also the only medication that is keeping my Crohn's Disease from slowly killing me. Add in all of the additional medication I have had to take over the years, including constant birth control to prevent periods, pregnancy was the last possible option. So I always felt that if I had not met my husband by the age of 30, I would adopt a child or hire a surrogate and raise him/her by myself. After my second abdominal surgery I even went to speak to a physician about my options for surrogacy and freezing my eggs. At the time I was only 17 and absolutely did not have that kind of money, nor did I yet feel it necessary.
But by the time I met my husband, I had developed more than just IBD. I have also had issues with my eyes, liver, kidneys, heart, pancreas, thyroid, plus migraines, sleep apnea, psoriasis, then the Hereditary Angioedema and Ankylosing Spondylitis.
The list of diseases - and list of SYMPTOMS - has just become so out of control. I am on medication to handle many of my symptoms, but if the symptoms improve
then the medication is dangerous for a pregnancy. If the medication is removed then the symptoms are unbearable. And whenever I seem to get a handle on things, something unrelated seems to occur (like random bladder infections that cause a ripple effect in my system).
Then I had my full hysterectomy in 2017.
Now, of course, that doesn't mean anything regarding raising children, just that I cannot bear my own, or my husband's, and I had chosen not to freeze my eggs before the surgery because we had already made our decision.
With the volatility of my health, the choice is not to have kids.

There is no consistency.
There is no predictability.
I am not reliable.
That is a damn tough thing to admit, but it is true.

The truth is that - if I were to raise children - I would be willing to die for them (just like any parent). The difference is that there is a high possibility that I would. I would run myself ragged all the time. I would sacrifice all of my health for their well-being. I would be stubborn and disallow myself from napping, from sleeping in, from ensuring I remember to fill my prescriptions. I would be canceling specialist appointments if my child had a mild fever. I would ignore my own symptoms to play outside with my children. I would be a mom first. (Again, just like any other parent).Their health and happiness would come so far ahead of my own well-being that it would become dangerous. Or it could.
The reason why my train of thought heads in that direction is because of everything for which I have previously sacrificed my own health. Just like what I did when I was still working, or still playing sports, or still in school, I would run myself down the drain so often that I would be in the Emergency Room on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. Again. Until I wound up requiring more surgery. Suffering with more illness. More inflammation. More pain. Until my body just simply gives out.

I have had over 30 years to debate every possible answer in my mind about having children. I have had over 18 years of knowing I may never have children to eventually arrive at this decision. I also still wonder - every single day - if it is the correct one. I still cry late at night after every encounter with a child or with a pregnant woman. I feel as though I am grieving someone. I do not feel like I have never had children, in fact I feel like I HAVE had children and have had them ripped away. That is how devastating these decisions can be.
Perhaps I had children in a previous life.

Now, someone else in my position may make a different decision. There is no fault in that. In fact, I think it is much braver and a more selfless decision. Risking one's own life and own well-being to take care of another is not something to criticize (in my opinion). It is brave to be a parent. It is even braver to bring a child into this world knowing it may kill you to do so.

There is nothing that compares to being a parent. Had we decided to have children, I would have never regretted the eternal love and the joy that comes from raising a fully rounded human being.

For us, though, for our particular situation and our needs, we are comfortable with the love that we have. We are ecstatic about the love that we share.
Now I may call our dogs fur-babies, and they are entirely spoiled and they complete our family, even though they are 'my babies', I also know that they do not compare with having human babies. I would never say that it was the same thing. I love them like they were my children because I know that I will never raise children... but it is not, nor will it ever be, the same. They are, however, the closest thing (next to my wonderful nephew and children of friends) to us raising kids in our own home. So please understand that, if I call them fur-babies, it is not to trivialize every little beautifully difficult thing that goes with being a true parent.

This is about as personal as it gets, folks.

Just know that part of the reason we made this decision is because our lives are full. Our lives are filled to the brim with all kinds of love, and even though I often feel that I was meant to be a great many things in this life (including a mother), the only part that counts is that I have felt love and I have received love. Bushels of it.