Bad News = Stress = Worse Health

Since November, things have really been up in the air medically. Not only my health in general becoming worse as far as the Crohn's is concerned, then navigating the benefits AND adverse effects of starting new medications, but also dealing with issues regarding medication availability, medical coverage, and massive clerical errors that will find us in a frustrating position.

Every time I get bad news - from a doctor, pharmacist, case manager, insurance, financial changes, it causes stress. And lots of it. And stress just so happens to make nearly every one of my illnesses MUCH worse. So then I deal with more severe swelling episodes and inflammatory pain and psoriasis peeling. That usually requires more bedrest and more medications, which means more susceptibility to some of the nasty side effects.

Now don't get me wrong here. I am grateful for what meds, doctors, healthcare, and coverage I DO have, but all of this stress (which could have ABSOLUTELY been avoided or handled much better) doesn't do me any good.

Now, at 10:30pm, after fretful phone calls and emails and letters and documenting all of the issues, I finally have a chance to relax. And yet I am so horribly nauseated and in such significant pain that 'relax' is hardly a word I would use to describe what I can do now.

It truly makes me wonder exactly what I am being punished for.
Am I being punished for hitting my breaking point and requiring certain medications? Am I being punished for several errors made by someone else? Am I being punished for being forthcoming and volunteering all of my medical and financial information to those organizations that help me? Am I being punished because they *thought* I would get better, even though it was very clear from the beginning that that scenario was nearly impossible? Am I being punished BECAUSE I am so sick at a young age?

But most of all - and worst of all - I AM being punished for being in an amazing relationship. The simple fact that I found the love of my life - my true best friend and partner - which I was beginning to wonder if I ever could, THAT is exactly what I am being punished for.

It could be worse.
I have to remind myself of how lucky I really am... every single day...
But it is very frustrating to come to learn that because we found each other - because I found love with him, for him, and from him, that now several other parts of my life that were going well and were supposed to be stable are now being pulled out from under me. Knowing that several parts of this chronically ill life would be easier if I hadn't fallen in love...
That sucks.
That hurts.
It feels like I am not allowed to be happy in my social life or relationships because I am chronically ill.

Let's face it, I am being a bit dramatic here, but it's like 'hey you have a boyfriend now so you're fine and don't need any help'... even though my pain and my illness and my nausea and my eroding joints are getting progressively worse.

I KNOW that life in general is easier in a relationship. Having someone to count on and help take care of me is a blessing and makes a lot of things easier... but I don't believe I should be, then, punished for that. Strong relationships should be encouraged... and not result in a drastic and stressful change in circumstances...

We'll figure it out.
Until next time
#Strength