*Spoiler Alert*
After spending part of the afternoon singing Christmas carols over Live-Streaming social media, I needed to rest for quite a while.
So I watched The Grinch.
We have already made it through A Charlie Brown's Christmas (which I had never seen before), Elf, and Frozen last night.
My list of must-sees during the holiday season include:
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas
The Grinch
Home Alone
Little Women
Love Actually
The Sound of Music
Elf
Frozen
A Muppet's Christmas Carol
A Christmas Carol
The Nightmare Before Christmas (this has to be watched at some point on Christmas eve).
I also have a comprehensive list of songs that I must sing or listen to in order for it to really feel like Christmas. Luckily for me - I was able to sing them all this afternoon.
Today became about Christmas carols and wrapping (very small) Christmas presents, watching Christmas movies, and just everything Christmas.
Tonight I am watching Little Women while Rj is at work. This one has always had a special place in my heart - right beside The Sound of Music.
Little Women was one of the first novels I ever read, given to me by my mother, and it is one of the two movies my mom and I watched together every single year during the holidays when I lived at home (and maybe a few more times during the year).
Once I became ill, the movie held a lot more meaning for me.
Although I see bits and pieces of my own personality in each one of the girls, Beth soon became what I feared to be my future. Although I fit the personality of Jo a bit better - a little wild, not exactly always proper, and always delving into education, the arts, and reading - I also saw my rule-following nature, my pride in how I viewed myself, and desire to meet a genuinely kind man in Meg, as well as childish whims, an artistic flair in general, and a sin for vanity in Amy.
Beth's character, at first, I only related to because of her aptitude for music and her empathy.
Once I became ill, I felt like I had become Beth.
Watching her after her Scarlet Fever, it is as though a part of her was removed permanently. She was almost a shadow of her former self - sallow, weak, tired. She began to see the grand picture and focused on enjoying simplicity. She fought. She lost her battle with the kind of brave acceptance that I hope I will have when it is my time.
But what struck me the most this particular time watching this movie, is how grateful I am.
Like many people who struggle on a constant basis, the holidays can be hard. Almost any song or movie or commercial can reduce me to tears, and I always feel quite down. Though not for any other reason than wishing my health battle wasn't so frustrating.
In relating with Beth - I did not believe I would live to see age 30. I mean, it's not like I ever gave up, and I didn't live expecting to lose my battle with illness early, rather it was simply a fact that it could indeed happen. That it would happen eventually and chances were high it could be early. Not only that, but also that if I had lived in the same times as in this story, I would have likely suffered a similar fate.
So I never thought I would live long enough to experience age 30, to meet a man I loved truly, to get married, to live in a beautiful home. The white picket fence life - the boring but loving life like Meg. Suburban housewife, baking brownies at Christmastime, singing carols, decorating a tree, making my puppy wear stupid antler ears, getting to know my nephew, and keeping friendships and family close.
But here I am. 32 years old.
Married, and enjoying all of the above and more. Evolved into a mixture of Jo and Meg and Amy, with Beth still around in my heart playing music and enjoying the little things in life.
I cannot necessarily change how my emotions ride rollercoasters all winter long, but I can say with great pride that I have already lived longer and accomplished more than I thought possible. Each day might be a struggle, but damn it, it is worth it!
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