Figuring out how to help your friends and family when they are sick is a difficult road to navigate.
There are so many posts about 'what to say' or 'what not to say' and how to behave or how to speak to or treat people who are ill.
Here is the easiest answer:
Everyone is different.
Every person who gets sick approaches their illness and their relationship in a multitude of ways. Some like to have full communication, some want to keep their suffering to themselves so that no one treats them differently. Some want zero pity and some ask for help. Some want to be invited to lots of events and some feel insulted when being asked to do things they no longer can.
My best advice, if you have friends or family going through illness, is to ask them.
I am particularly fortunate in many of my relationships. Many of my friends have been friends for 20+ years - so they have grown up with me. They really know me. Then, with my more recent friends, open and honest communication has been at the forefront. Add in the best of intentions with good communication and there have not been many (or any) serious misunderstandings. My family and my husband have always seemed to know exactly how I react and how I like being treated, and if there are miscommunications, they are resolved almost immediately.
But just to make things a little bit easier, here is a simple list of guidelines when you have friends or family who are ill:
1. Illness affects every part of our life, but every part of our life is not about illness.
2. Chronic means chronic - it does not necessarily mean that it is horrible all the time, but good days or even better months does not mean cured. Even Remission does not mean an absence of symptoms.
3. We know that out illness is difficult on everyone around us. We also know that our family and friends need a break from constant bad news - so talk to us if you are struggling. It may be a difficult conversation, because we would like a break too but cannot have one, but it is vital to avoid building resentments.
4. Don't stop inviting us to things entirely. Even if you know we won't physically be able to come, or that we may want to but have to cancel, being invited is flattering & reminds us that you want us around.
5. Avoid using the words 'at least' during a vent session.
6. Comparisons happen way too much. Comparing our experience to 'someone you know' can come off as trivializing. This is not a huge one, but if things are really serious and your friend is struggling more than usual, comparing will likely not be helpful.
7. If you ask 'have you tried _____?' and the answer is a short 'yes' or 'yeah, that's not my thing', best to drop it. It will be very clear if someone wants more information. You can always send info via an email or tag on social media if you are really wanting to help, just to give information, but it reminds us of failed attempts to feel better.
8. Every illness presents in a different way in each person. We are all just trying to survive and trying to find the best balance in our own lives. We want to find what works and what we can live with. This is subjective. We are all doing whatever we can to feel better - no one in their right mind makes decisions to intentionally feel worse.
9. Sincere questions are always better than snap judgments.
10. If you don't understand how a disease affects a person in day-to-day life: ask.
11. This one is for me personally: I try and stay positive as much as I can. I work hard to keep looking up and looking forward, but I have bad days. I have bad weeks. We never get a break, and sometimes we need to wallow in our sadness (like anyone else). Sometimes we NEED time to have our own little pity-parties... time to feel sorry for ourselves and be negative about everything. It will pass. We have more reason than many to be depressed, so if we are positive the majority of the time, please refrain from judging our moments of negativity.
It is a personal pet peeve when I have a bad day or a bad week and someone tells me I have 'changed' and become 'angry' and 'negative' and that they can no longer support me as a friend. I have also been guilty of not allowing friends to grieve and be sad, which I regret.
Sometimes we just need to cry into a tub of ice cream and scream about all of the horrible things that have happened without feeling obligated to find the silver lining.
So if your consistently positive friend becomes angry for a few weeks, instead of pulling away or encouraging them to 'be positive', buy a tub of ice cream and join them for a cry day.
The only way to know for sure how an ill individual wants to be treated is by asking them. Just like we all grieve in different ways and react differently in stressful situations, chronic illness is a type of trauma, a type of grief, and a huge source of stress. We will each approach it differently.
Thank you to all of my friends and family who have been all the best kinds of supportive, almost instinctively.
I am lucky and I know it.
If I am approaching supporting my friends in a way that is more damaging, I would like to know. I do not want to add stress.
In a world of constant and instant communication, you would think we would all be better at communicating with others.
Communication remains to be a complicated concept. Let's change that!
How do you like to be treated? What is your approach to chronic illness? Do you like to share your story or do you like to keep it to yourself? Do you prefer to suffer surrounded by friends or suffer in silence?
