Bridal Meltdown

As of this year, I have now been ill for over 18 years.
It has been 18 years since my first diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis, 15 years since my first major abdominal surgery (back when total colectomies could not be done laparoscopically), and 6 years being unable to work.

The truth is that I don't remember much of my teenage years. My focus was on health and medications and just getting through the worst of it.
Little did I know that my teenage years wouldn't exactly be the 'worst' of it.
I have gone through phases, decent months, horrific months, moments to years I felt like I was dying, days I did not know how I would make it through, and a never-ending cycle of pain, discomfort, uncontrolled symptoms, and nasty side effects.

But I have nearly always felt as though it was all worth it. I have down days just like every other person, but I do not often wake up sad, depressed, or angry. I wake up happy nearly every single day, and I am eternally grateful for that. Pain and discomfort is simply a part of my life. It is the body that I was born into, and I do not usually feel as though I sit around and mope. I do my best to focus on everything that is good in my life, and I prepare and work hard to make the tough parts of my life a little bit easier. I also am very lucky in life.

There is only one major meltdown that keeps creeping up.

Our Wedding Day.

The event is quickly approaching and I really could not be more excited. Planning has been enjoyable for the most part and I have not felt excessively stressed. We have made some additional arrangements and plans that surround my health complications: like having a wheelchair, sitting for the majority of the ceremony, calling the hospital ahead of time warning them that I will eventually need treatment that weekend, bringing extra medication, and even making sure that doctors and nurses are nearby.
We have a ton of help and a lot of understanding from our guests as well as backup plans for if I need treatment on the day and have to miss some of the later festivities.

But I am allowing myself a meltdown today. I am letting myself cry for most of the day - while watching sappy movies, wedding movies, movies about health and struggles - and letting everything out.
Why?

Because I want to feel GOOD on our wedding day.
I just want to experience a day with no pain, no nausea, no cramping, no swelling, no joint pain, no migraines, no weakness, no fatigue, no issues with energy, no difficulty walking, no urgency, no accidents.
All brides want the day to go perfectly; the food to be delicious, things to run smoothly and on time, their groom to get choked up as they walk down the aisle, and for their love and their union to be celebrated amongst close friends and family. I want all of that, just like anyone else, but if things go wrong, if the caterer were to have to back out and we have to order pizza, if there are no flowers, if there is a blizzard and half of our guests can't make it, if things go really wrong with all of the planning, I really only want two things at the end of the day:
1. To be married to Rj
2. To feel well

Is it to much to ask to actually feel healthy for that one day?

Realistically, I know that adrenaline will likely hide some of these symptoms. The adrenaline will get me through - the excitement and the busy-ness of the day will make my body focus on that instead of the 17+ different sources of severe pain. I might get lucky and make it the entire day without crashing... but there will be pain, there will be rushing to get to a washroom, there will be nausea, and there definitely will be swelling. We are more than prepared for it. We have even scheduled a nap and a trip to the ER just in case. I have also practiced how to quickly step out of my wedding gown should I require immediate bathroom facilities. 

But today I am letting myself cry because I know I won't get to feel well, even on our wedding day (likely ever, given the nature of these particular chronic illnesses).

I mean, wedding planning is never complete until the bride has some sort of meltdown, right?