Up at 4am.
Tomorrow I am doing my annual live-streaming concert. I am super excited about it but also pretty nervous.
I currently have some sort of bug that has been wreaking havoc on my system and has induced a constant malaise that has been pretty unshakeable.
I have already been wondering all week whether or not I can really handle a concert at home, but my stubbornness will definitely prevail. Plus, when I am playing piano and singing, I tend to lose track of time and I am able to mentally leave my body behind. I become engrossed in the music - which is what makes it such an effective coping skill.
Here's the problem: with this event tomorrow, I reeeeeeally need to be sleeping.
But I was having both auditory and visual hallucinations, and had at least 3 instances of sleep paralysis, within a 3 hour span. While I got some sleep in between these episodes, I soon became absolutely petrified.
At one point I heard Rj get out of bed, walk into the kitchen, and turn on the tap to poor himself a glass of water. I spread out to take up more of the bed and stretch, and lo and behold, he was still lying in bed. He had never gotten up.
I also had my eyes wide open at another point, staring into the kitchen because I thought I heard someone. I saw a shadow, but there was nothing there. Dex was on our bed still, Rj was beside me, and I was staring into the kitchen at nothing at all. I even got up to check (or at least I think I did). I mean, in reality, if anyone else was here, Dex would have gone ballistic. (Another reason for the chronically ill to own a dog).
Another point I heard Rj ask me a question. Now, he often does this in his sleep and usually says several things. But when I sat up and asked him what he said - he was not at all awake.
The most troubling instances of hallucinations, though, often include the feeling of getting up or speaking myself, only to find out that I am not where I thought I was. While in dreams this often happens, when you are conscious, eyes awake, then blink and realize you hallucinated the entire event? Yeah. That is scary.
After several of these episodes, I had to force myself to wake up completely (hence the blog and the screen time).
Hopefully now, when I attempt going back to sleep, it will be a much more natural progression.
Fingers crossed.
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