Scary Stories

I am not quite sure why, although I have a general theory, but I find that the more I watch, read, or listen to scary stories, the fewer nightmares I seem to experience.

For whatever reason, whether I just simply have a twisted mind, some latent aggression, or if it stems from long-term use of certain medications (*cough*Prednisone*cough*), I tend to have nightmares and even night terrors on a regular basis. I have lucid nightmares, I have sleep paralysis (which always occurs as a nightmarish experience) and have been known to have both auditory and visual hallucinations. 
Though when I have been watching horror films, they seem to stop. Or at least my nightmares are more normal - like spiders or bees or falling or something more run-of-the-mill.

My theory is that, unless my mind has something frightening on the external to focus on, up bubbles these demonic horrifying visions from within my own psyche. If I do not have an outlet, my mind comes up with its own versions of absolutely horrifying scenarios. Scenarios I have never heard of - scenarios I could not consciously think of.
Trust me - compared to what my inner mind seems to bring up, I will gladly take nightmares of being attacked by gigantic spiders or surrounded by angry bees or ravenous wolves. Those do not scare me. Much.

So, after a particularly soul-shattering nightmare last week, I began falling asleep while listening to a podcast: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. These stories have all been really cool to listen to, and oddly comforting.
They are stories.
I know they are stories.
My mind knows they are stories. So they become an external outlet. I have not had a nightmare since. Not even a regular one!
I hope it is effective in keeping my nightmares/night terrors away.
Otherwise I would have many more nights of being legitimately frightened to fall asleep.

How strange is that? I wonder sometimes if it is fairly common for people to feel in actual spiritual, even mortal, danger if they fall asleep.

Another Partially Sleepless Night

Here I am, lying in bed, essentially staring at the ceiling.

I fell asleep with little to no issue, but woke up just before 3am. This often happens - though it is normally around 4am.
In all likelihood it is because certain medications that cause drowsiness wear off between 4-6 hours after taking them, and we tend to go to bed around 11pm.
So it is logical.

But then I can't always get back to sleep.

Sometimes I will make my way downstairs to do some yoga and meditation, or work on some art projects. Sometimes I will go and watch a movie or something to keep my mind from wandering. Sometimes I will go in the guest bedroom to see if sleep will envelop me in a different bed.
The options are all the same though.
They don't really address the issue.

It's pain. It's restlessness. It's warn off medications and bouts of insomnia. It's nightmares and the odd night terror. It's sleep apnea, sleep paralysis, and hallucinations. It's overheating and overthinking. It's an overactive mind combined with an overactive body. It's that in-between state where I am absolutely exhausted and fatigued but not necessarily sleepy. It's being sleepy but body restless. It is all about being exhausted all of the time, sleeping away most of my days, and yet never feeling rested. It is elusive restful sleeps. Today in particular it's reeling after a really awful nightmare - plus overheating and restlessness.

And the snoring to my right just amplifies my inability to sleep.
With that said, I am very grateful that my common insomnia does not seem to have a negative effect on his sleep. If that were the case I'm sure I would be sleeping in the guest room a lot more often.

So what do you do when you can't sleep but can't quite function either?

If I get up and begin something - a yoga session, reading, painting, writing - I am admitting defeat. When I do these things, I usually wind up staying awake for several hours instead of one or two. Getting up and doing something productive, while it feels good psychologically, it essentially worsens the problem.
So I write blogs. I stare at the ceiling. I try to meditate. I do nothing - so that I may be able to fall back asleep.

Lucky for me, I am not often forced to awaken early. Unless I have an appointment, there is no reason for me to really stress about trying to function on a significant lack of sleep. I've done that before. It doesn't turn out very well.

So even though I am frustrated with my body's avoidance of a restful sleep, I am also not often required to stress about it. It's just a matter of deciding whether or not I am going to physically get up and stay up for another 4 hours or so, or if I am going to try and get back to sleep within the hour.

We'll see what prevails: Exhaustion vs Restlessness.

Sleep Paralysis and Hallucinations

Up at 4am.

Tomorrow I am doing my annual live-streaming concert. I am super excited about it but also pretty nervous.
I currently have some sort of bug that has been wreaking havoc on my system and has induced a constant malaise that has been pretty unshakeable.
I have already been wondering all week whether or not I can really handle a concert at home, but my stubbornness will definitely prevail. Plus, when I am playing piano and singing, I tend to lose track of time and I am able to mentally leave my body behind. I become engrossed in the music - which is what makes it such an effective coping skill.

Here's the problem: with this event tomorrow, I reeeeeeally need to be sleeping.
But I was having both auditory and visual hallucinations, and had at least 3 instances of sleep paralysis, within a 3 hour span. While I got some sleep in between these episodes, I soon became absolutely petrified.
At one point I heard Rj get out of bed, walk into the kitchen, and turn on the tap to poor himself a glass of water. I spread out to take up more of the bed and stretch, and lo and behold, he was still lying in bed. He had never gotten up.
I also had my eyes wide open at another point, staring into the kitchen because I thought I heard someone. I saw a shadow, but there was nothing there. Dex was on our bed still, Rj was beside me, and I was staring into the kitchen at nothing at all. I even got up to check (or at least I think I did). I mean, in reality, if anyone else was here, Dex would have gone ballistic. (Another reason for the chronically ill to own a dog).
Another point I heard Rj ask me a question. Now, he often does this in his sleep and usually says several things. But when I sat up and asked him what he said - he was not at all awake.
The most troubling instances of hallucinations, though, often include the feeling of getting up or speaking myself, only to find out that I am not where I thought I was. While in dreams this often happens, when you are conscious, eyes awake, then blink and realize you hallucinated the entire event? Yeah. That is scary.

After several of these episodes, I had to force myself to wake up completely (hence the blog and the screen time).
Hopefully now, when I attempt going back to sleep, it will be a much more natural progression.

Fingers crossed.