The Lighter Side of: Feeling Everything

Pain is a part of life. Pain is knowledge. Pain informs us when we are doing something wrong, when we are ill, when something inside our bodies needs attention, etc...
The more chronic pain a person experiences, the more adept one's system becomes at identifying multiple sources of pain.
In essence, the more pain we have, the better we can isolate what it is we are feeling.

More pain and suffering multiple sources of pain is not fun. It's not something we dream of learning about other than on paper. No one truly desires to be in constant pain. No one wants to feel everything within their bodies. There should be some disconnect between vital subconscious functions and our experience.

The Lighter Side of feeling everything, though, is that we can become exceptionally in tune with our bodies.

Who knew that I would learn what an inflamed pancreas feels like?
The fact that I can feel when my intestines are bleeding, or when my bladder is swelling, when my SI Joints are particularly inflamed or eroding, or when I used to get small ovarian cysts, is a bit of a marvel.

Living a life with pain also means that I have learned what the different types of pain feel like and what they mean. I can tell the difference between muscle pain and ligament pain, between cramping muscles and inflamed joints, between swollen tissue and inflamed tissue. I have learned how certain internal organs feel... especially my intestines. I can feel when they start to bleed, when they are producing a lot of mucous, when they are inflamed, or swollen, or cramping. I have learned to feel the difference between a partial blockage and a cramp. I have learned the difference between a swollen intestine and a flare-up of inflammation. I can even tell when I am experiencing a flare-up of my J-Pouch or in the higher portions of my intestine.

This all comes from brutal experience, but it is all information that, in turn, helps me take better care of myself.
It's not all bad.

Final Goal

In my latest 'Ask Me Anything' post, I had shared my most recent blog about deciding not to have children.
In that post it was clear that our family is complete and that our lives are full.
This question was then posed:

"What is your final goal in your life?"

This is a bit of a difficult question to answer.

Most importantly, I hope I have decades of life before I have only one, final goal.

It is not like I have this list of goals for my life that I am working towards. I have always had pages and pages-worth of small little goals in various areas of my life. You know, there are goals about the house, there are goals for places to see and things to do. I try to focus on the little to intermediate goals, because little progressions lead to bigger goals.

But if you want me to tell you about my BIG life goals, I will try to answer as best I can.

1. I want to always focus on the relationships that I have. Those are one of THE most vital parts of living a happy life (for me specifically). Family comes first. I want to be able to see my brother and his family more often, I want to be able to see my parents and my friends more often, and I plan to start writing old-school letters to friends I cannot see on a regular basis.

2. I would love to become a published author - to have a book deal. To have a book of some sort on the shelves of every major book retailer in Canada.

3. I would love to do something extraordinary with my singing. I know that there is only so much that I can physically do, so I have had to work on this in a very different way, but the goal is still there. I would love to release another cd at some point, perform background vocals for someone exceptional, and I want to sing on a stage again. Not just any stage, but a stage with a huge crowd. The anthem at CFL or NHL games. A background vocalist for a concert. Hell, the LEAD vocalist at a stadium with tens of thousands of fans. It may be far-fetched, but it continues to be a goal.

4. If I am ever able to travel, I would love to see the East Coast, to go to a Seahawks Game IN Seattle, I would LOVE to go back to Europe. I would love to go to Cedar Point and ride every single rollercoaster. I would love to go back to Disneyland, to spend a weekend in Jackpot, Nevada, to see the Galapagos Islands, to go on another cruise, to do a cross-country train trip in Canada, to learn how to surf in Hawaii, to have a romantic getaway in Tahiti, and to visit our ancestral castle in Scotland. These are more wishes than goals... but I am hoping that the East Coast and the Seahawks game are achievable in the future. I plan on experiencing some virtual reality activities to get a glimpse of some of these places and some activities I have always wanted to do but couldn't due to health reasons. (Like scuba diving, hang gliding, etc...)

5. I want to learn. I want to continually cultivate my curious mind and learn all the time.

6. I want to improve my art skills and continue improving them. I would love to be able to make a statement through art and literary works.

7. I am working on my cooking skills all the time. I would love to take little courses in the culinary arts - but if I cannot take classes then I am focusing on trying new recipes on a semi-regular basis. (I just learned how to make chicken roulade AND French macarons, which I need to continue working on). I also watch a lot of cooking shows and then try to make similar recipes.

8. I want to continue kayaking, camping, and practicing yoga. I want to go swimming more often (which is really difficult with a chlorine allergy and living where the lakes are too cold to swim in for 10 months of the year). My goal is to simply increase the amount of time I spend in these activities.

9. I want my husband to travel. This is a big goal. There are many places he has always wanted to travel, so I would really love for him to go even though I would not be able to join him.

10. I would love to be able to help out my family as much as they help me. My health is a burden. There is no getting around this fact. As stubborn as I am and as independent as I can be, suffering with health conditions is a burden on time, finances, goals, and oh so many aspects of life. I would love to be able to return the amount of time and energy my family has spent on me.

But my most important goal, the epitome of life, my purpose, my daily and lifelong goal:

I never want to take love for granted. I want to enjoy every moment, see the bright side of nearly every crummy situation, and remain grateful for everything in my life. Maintaining this grateful feeling and this love is the most important goal I will ever have.

I hope this answer has been satisfactory. :)
Thank you so much for participating in the 'ask me anything' posts. These questions have all been illuminating.
Bring on more questions - especially the difficult ones. The difficult questions offer the most amount of soul-searching.

Can't Sleep? Doodle

About 12 hours ago (around 4 in the afternoon), a migraine hit. Not bad enough to warrant a full pill to help the migraine dissolve, but still required medication.
Kinda felt like my brain was swelling and pushing on my skull from the inside.
Fun times.
So, as usual, within an hour of taking the halved medication, I was out. OUT. I wound up sleeping until about quarter to ten.

Whoops.

I knew that meant I would have a hell of a time sleeping overnight.
I tried! I really did. I was lying down, practicing deep breathing and some meditation exercises, I put away all thoughts of plans and schedules and to-do lists, and I tried to sleep.
No luck.
So I thought I would maybe colour on the app that I have - staring at mandalas and focusing on calming colours.
I felt sleepy enough to want to stay in bed, but too awake to actually fall asleep.

In the end though I just got up, put some sweats on, and decide to practice doodling.
I have been working on trying to draw and paint flowers. Little tiny flowers, everywhere. I have been saving tutorials and videos from Instagram, along with close-up pictures of doodled flowers that other people have done.
Then I tried to copy those. Getting tips on pencil strokes from the videos and dissecting each little doodle as close-up as I could.

The result?
Not too bad! I am actually pretty thrilled with the progress. Who knew I could learn how to draw?? (I mean, it's nothing special, but I have a difficult time drawing a cube. Or a square. Or the most basic cartoonish doodle).

The next step is to learn how to get some of these drawings into watercolor pieces to keep in a gorgeous little rice paper notebook. Little tiny flowers with simple watercolor drops. Pops of colour.

I may be having a tough time sleeping. My muscles might be super tight and my joints might be inflamed. My migraine might be returning and my eyes might even be starting to burn... but that doesn't mean that I can't try and do something relatively productive for a little while.

Okay, back to bed.
Feeling accomplished.
That's a win in my books.