Disappointment

Rj and I had a nice weekend.
We were able to attend a friend's wedding and it was a beautiful day. The day itself was perfect, the sky was ideal for photos, and every little detail was incredible. So much work went into the wedding - so so so many crafts - and the bride's entrance and the vows from each to the children brought most people to tears.
It was amazing.

I managed to push myself and last until past 10pm.

Normally I don't feel particularly angry about being ill... but this weekend got to me.
I lasted past 10pm by dancing around in my chair instead of on the dance floor, saving my energy and taking lots of breaks, and trying not to walk around too much.
I was definitely stubborn about wearing heels and getting a couple of two-steps in (which actually turned into fox trots and slow polkas to try and even out the pressure on my SI joints), but mostly I stayed seated.
I know it was smarter to stay seated, but it felt so wrong.
And then I still barely lasted that late.

Which had me wondering how I am going to be able to handle our own wedding day...

Obviously I will be very well medicated and will have such adrenaline that maybe I won't suffer as much on the day itself. We have also scheduled in some time if I need a nap during the afternoon, and our photo location is not far and not difficult to get to or walk to or move around in. All of these details (along with 50 other details) were chosen specifically to attempt to give me enough time to rest. To try and reduce the amount of physical stress and pain.
The bottom line is that if I am NOT doing well, I can always leave for a bit and go back. I mean, it's our day, I can do whatever the hell I need to, right?? Haha.

Then today Rj is off to go to another wedding - away - with many of our friends. It's a resort and a beach and a total vacation. They get to relax on the sand or by the pool and go on a boat and hang out with monkeys and other wildlife.
I am absolutely jealous!
I, obviously, cannot go. Physically I am not sure I could have gone anyways... plus with my current situation a trip would risk much more than just my own health, and we cannot take that risk. Plus financially both of us going was just not even remotely feasible.
I am so so happy for them and for Rj to get to go.
I am also sad.
I don't feel sad or angry about being ill all that much. I have my days, like anyone else, but I don't feel particularly bitter about being ill. The frustrations I usually have include dealing with insurance and medications and appointments and lack of energy.
Today, however, I feel sad.

Sometimes it just sucks to be this ill.

For the last 6 years, my ability to last an entire wedding celebration, to be able to dance, or be active, or go anywhere, or even do things around the house, has just gotten worse and worse.

I have to hold myself back from my own enjoyment so that I don't wind up worse.
Pretty tough.

Today I am allowing myself a sad day - tomorrow I will appreciate every single thing I am STILL capable doing. :)

On a funny note - wanna know when I finally broke down and cried about it just being shitty that I'm so sick??
I saw my friends' pictures hanging out and feeding and cuddling baby monkeys.
All of a sudden I was like

damnit, I want to cuddle a baby monkey!!

And then I cried about being so sick.
Strange what can just hit you!