Maybe you become very quiet or less focused and pull back from conversation. Maybe you adopt the 'pain posture', which can be very common. (Essentially, the pain posture refers to a slouched over position while sitting, standing, or walking, in a subconscious attempt to protect ones own internal organs).
There are a lot of different ways that can show how someone is struggling without it being especially obvious. People do not always have to be wincing or crying, yelling or moaning, they may even look entirely normal.
Here are some 'tells' that can be a good indication of a person in pain:
1. Fidgeting and posture shifting.
People who are in pain try to distract their own minds from the pain by doing, well, anything else. We tend to fidget, change our posture or position, stretch, move around, pace, or just continuously move. Many people in pain may shake, bounce their legs, rock, or move their feet. One of my personal tells when I fidget is I tend to flex and release my toes - something that can be hidden a little more easily.
2. Changes in Gait
People in pain may show changes in how they walk. Their bodies are trying to either correct or compensate for the pain that they feel. You may see someone hunched over, a slight limp, a slower pace, shuffling, dragging feet, or any other of the various ways our gait can show pain. My personal tell, which I did not even realize I was doing until years later when my husband pointed it out, is that I start to walk pigeon-toed... and I don't mean a little bit pigeon-toed. There were times (so I have been told) where I was essentially walking on the outer edge of my foot, with my toes pointing 90° inward. This sounded insane to me. Though when I had him point it out when I was doing it, there I was, my feet both pointing inward. This particular 'tell', I'm guessing, is my body's way of trying to open up my hips. The pain in my SI joint becomes so hindering that my body tries to open my hips by pushing my feet inward and stretching my thighs out to the side. That's my take on it, anyways. The best part about this tell is that I don't notice that I am doing it. It is not on purpose. This allows for my husband to gauge whether or not I am telling the truth when I say that "I feel fine".
3. Eye Colour
This 'tell' actually refers to any colour in the face. Most of us tend to become more pale the worse that we feel, but, luckily, makeup can hide this lack of colour. Eye colour, however, is more difficult to hide. When I am particularly sick, my eyes become more translucent or can even appear grey. The blue can be lost almost entirely on my worst days. I may have colour in my cheeks and a 'glow' on my face, but if my eyes are grey, chances are that I am feeling pretty rotten, but wearing amazing makeup.
4. Attention & Attitude
We all have bad days. We all have days when we feel 'out-of-it' or can't quite concentrate. Losing focus and forgetting basic vocabulary is not necessarily connected primarily to pain, but it can be a way to read someone if you think pain is an issue. When I am in a ton of pain, not only do I speak less, but my speech can change in very obvious ways. I will forget the conversation (if I even participate), I will lose focus and forget words or the meanings of simple words. Most importantly, though, I will lose my humour and sarcastic edge the more pain I am in. Not entirely, of course. I still make jokes even in my most vulnerable situations, but when I start to get 'snarky' or make sarcastic remarks to my loved ones, that is a sure sign that I am feeling just a little bit better. Personality. Personality is what can get lost when all we can think about is pain. Personality changes are one of the most highly reported changes that someone will notice when a loved one is suffering. It's not on purpose. It's not necessarily even controllable. It's simply what happens when someone is dealing with huge amounts of stress - especially pain and illness. It can be something to watch for - to notice. Although it is never okay to treat others poorly just because a person is suffering, those negative emotions are more than reasonable, they are expected. That's when communication becomes key in managing those brutal times.
5. Sleep Habits
This one can seem really clear, but it can be a lot more complicated than a straightforward lack of sleep.
Illness and pain can wreak havoc on sleeping patterns. Sleeping too much, too little, suffering from insomnia or nightmares, lucid dreaming, sleepwalking, changes in sleep habits or sleep times... Even something as simple as sleeping more deeply than usual, or waking up disoriented, these can all be signs that our bodies are fighting something more than our day-to-day normalcies.
My biggest 'tell' of when a big crash is coming is that I will start grinding my teeth when I sleep. I will wake up with a sore jaw and a headache, I will have bouts of insomnia and of sleeping far too deeply without dreams. That, or I will have a string of terrifying lucid dreams, episodes of sleep paralysis, and I'll just randomly fall asleep at odd times through the day for a minute or two (micro naps). I will also often wake up disoriented - having forgotten where I am or what day it is, who is home, etc...
These are some examples of ways to tell when friends are suffering.
The biggest problem with most of these is that they can be very well hidden, especially if you live alone. I know that, for me, I can look the picture of health and be having a crash day. It is not always as obvious as shaking limbs and tears, or constant moaning and complaining. Crashes and high levels of pain can be hidden by adrenaline, makeup, smiling, and consciously combatting our own unique tells. I often have to actively stop myself from fidgeting in public so as not to give away any sign of discomfort.
It is fascinating what our bodies can handle, and what it can hide.
What are your biggest 'tells'? Have your friends or family ever told you about any of your own that you were previously unaware of?
I'd love to know some of the intriguing ways we hide or mask our pain!
The above photo ⬆️ was taken at the ER for a severe throat swell.... mere hours before the photo below ⬇️
By the time this photo was taken ⬆️ I was walking so pigeon-toed, that I was debating using my wheelchair to get back to the vehicle. But it was so muddy by this bridge that I would have gotten stuck.
I was taking a photo of my makeup ⬆️ but this is the beginning of a severe crash.
I barely made it through this yoga session ⬆️. I was so nauseated that I was hunched over the entire day - I could not stand up straight. This was one of the most difficult - and, therefore, most important - yoga sessions.
It's the little 'tells' that quietly, and subtly, let others into how we are truly feeling internally.
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