Sleepless Nights

I have had some pretty intense insomnia lately.

Of course, like anyone, sometimes I stay up too late on purpose... I get caught up in a tv show, I browse social media, I stay up reading long past the point of becoming tired...but lately it has been all over the place.
I am too overheated, my pain is too high and I simply cannot get comfortable, I am thinking too much or have too many things to do, or I am just not tired. I stare at the ceiling, I very literally drum my fingers on the bed in musical patterns. If it is really bad, I will just give in and get up and do something productive.
The last few days though, wow, I have been out-of-it, emotional, drained, even lightheaded. Then when I try to sleep - NOTHING! I sit there and cry because all I want to do is have a restful night's sleep, but my body or mind or something is preventing it.

Right now for instance: I spent 2 and 1/2 hours tossing and turning. Wired. I can barely keep my eyes CLOSED! So I try writing. I try listening to spa music. I try everything. I even try medication to help me sleep! Now it is after 4am, so I know that the rest of this Saturday is going to be even tougher than the Friday was! I am going to feel emotional and pissed off and like a zombie. All day. I want to punch a wall! I want to cry! I want some goddamn rest!

What do you do when your body absolutely refuses to allow you to sleep?

Taking Care of Someone Else

Sometimes, the best way to distract yourself from your own pain is to be taking care of someone else. Not only does it offer a loving distraction, but it can frequently offer a bit of perspective.
Taking care of another being - especially one that cannot verbally communicate - also forces action.

I love taking care of our pups.
Well, 99% of the time. I get frustrated, just like anyone else, but even the most difficult moments are worth it. We have two little beings who rely on us for everything. That is a big commitment. Not even a quarter as much pressure as taking care of little humans, but still pressure.
These little dudes often force me out of bed even though I am comfortable, they force me outside even in the coldest weather conditions, and they force me to play. On days when I feel run down and like I barely have enough energy to even eat, these guys encourage me to kneel on the floor and play with them. And then I realize how little effort it takes to entertain them - and myself.
There is nothing like playing with little beings. They bring out the best in people, they bring out laughter and joy and a sense of purpose.

The most important balance for me right now is to allow these pups to push me, but to make sure that I don't entirely sacrifice my health. I need to find that balance. So far it's going swimmingly, with the lack of sleep being the largest issue. I think that getting outside several times a day to let them pee has been a very positive influence on my day-to-day health.

I am so grateful to be taking care of these boys. I am even more grateful to have a partner who is the perfect mixture of helpful and patient.
I love our little family.

Another Partially Sleepless Night

Here I am, lying in bed, essentially staring at the ceiling.

I fell asleep with little to no issue, but woke up just before 3am. This often happens - though it is normally around 4am.
In all likelihood it is because certain medications that cause drowsiness wear off between 4-6 hours after taking them, and we tend to go to bed around 11pm.
So it is logical.

But then I can't always get back to sleep.

Sometimes I will make my way downstairs to do some yoga and meditation, or work on some art projects. Sometimes I will go and watch a movie or something to keep my mind from wandering. Sometimes I will go in the guest bedroom to see if sleep will envelop me in a different bed.
The options are all the same though.
They don't really address the issue.

It's pain. It's restlessness. It's warn off medications and bouts of insomnia. It's nightmares and the odd night terror. It's sleep apnea, sleep paralysis, and hallucinations. It's overheating and overthinking. It's an overactive mind combined with an overactive body. It's that in-between state where I am absolutely exhausted and fatigued but not necessarily sleepy. It's being sleepy but body restless. It is all about being exhausted all of the time, sleeping away most of my days, and yet never feeling rested. It is elusive restful sleeps. Today in particular it's reeling after a really awful nightmare - plus overheating and restlessness.

And the snoring to my right just amplifies my inability to sleep.
With that said, I am very grateful that my common insomnia does not seem to have a negative effect on his sleep. If that were the case I'm sure I would be sleeping in the guest room a lot more often.

So what do you do when you can't sleep but can't quite function either?

If I get up and begin something - a yoga session, reading, painting, writing - I am admitting defeat. When I do these things, I usually wind up staying awake for several hours instead of one or two. Getting up and doing something productive, while it feels good psychologically, it essentially worsens the problem.
So I write blogs. I stare at the ceiling. I try to meditate. I do nothing - so that I may be able to fall back asleep.

Lucky for me, I am not often forced to awaken early. Unless I have an appointment, there is no reason for me to really stress about trying to function on a significant lack of sleep. I've done that before. It doesn't turn out very well.

So even though I am frustrated with my body's avoidance of a restful sleep, I am also not often required to stress about it. It's just a matter of deciding whether or not I am going to physically get up and stay up for another 4 hours or so, or if I am going to try and get back to sleep within the hour.

We'll see what prevails: Exhaustion vs Restlessness.