You Are Not Weak

Living with any physical ailment is physically and mentally taxing. 

Who knew that living with illness meant taking on so much judgement, and falling into the trap of comparison and judging others myself? 

I have a very bad habit of being hard on myself. I see others in seemingly worse condition doing amazing things and I automatically view it as a reflection on my own resolve. Instant comparisons. 

I used to believe that no matter how ill I became, it could not prevent me from working, or playing volleyball, or continuing with the same level of high-level athleticism I had always enjoyed. I felt that no illness could stop me. I used to falsely believe that if illness prevented me from these things that it would be a clear indication of me giving up or allowing my illness to control me. 

That's not at all the case. 

Hindsight is 20/20, after all. 

What I have realized now is that my focus has changed. When certain activities became physically dangerous, I looked to other activities instead of risking my health further. When working kept my body in shambles and heading to the hospital once a month but continuing to work myself to death, my boss noticed and encouraged me to put my focus back on my health. 

Now, instead of focusing on what other people believe makes a life worth living, I concentrate on what I love in life. I am less concerned about risking my health for the priorities of others and more concerned with enjoying my life in the ways that I wish to and physically am able. 

I continue to follow the rules, the guidelines, doctor's orders, and laws. I do not (and cannot) take many risks financially because I, unfortunately, must rely on my contributions while I was able to work. 

You are not weak because you live with debilitating illness. You are not weak for having a disability. You are not weak for shifting your focus. You are not weak for altering the activities you enjoy. 

I am far from weak. 

It is my former view of what a successful life looks like that ties me to a false belief. It is the ridiculous comparisons that we make constantly, often without realizing it. 

I am lucky in many respects. 

I am also struggling in many respects. 

My situation is far worse than many. 

My situation is far better than many.

I am not abusing any level of services. 

I am not exaggerating the level of illness I live with. 

I need to stop comparing any part of my life to that of another's. I also need to stop being concerned with the judgements and beliefs of others who are not at all a part of my general life and medical care. 

I will continue to share my experiences, in part, and will continue to advocate for those who suffer with debilitating invisible diseases, complicated illnesses, and those who are disabled. 

I am just taking this life day by day and trying to keep my head above water like everyone else.