Yoga for Instagram

My activities over the past few years have dwindled to a few. Trust me, I am ecstatic that I can still paddle and practice yoga, but those are my main sources of exercise. 

This blog and how I share this blog has a lot to do with Instagram. On IG, though, sharing pictures is the main focus, so I share photos of me practicing yoga. 

Now, before you turn away all eye-roll-like, my yoga photos are not what you would picture on the 'gram. I do not have a professional camera, for one. What I do have is a smart-phone with a fairly impressive camera. 

I do not take photos of every single time I practice yoga. I take photos every couple of weeks, and then share one photo a day. It isn't some glamorous event... I usually fiddle with trying to find decent lighting, pick out an outfit that allows me to practice comfortably while getting some decent shots, and then propping my phone up on a book, a shelf, or on board games teetering on a shelf trying to get the best vantage point. It is all a little bit ridiculous. 

The best part, though, is the actual taking of the photos. See, my phone sits on a shelf, pointed at my yoga mat while I practice. I use a voice command to take these photos... which means that I practice yoga and randomly shout "CAPTURE" or "SMILE" when I have reached the calm moment in a pose. Of course, it doesn't work every single time, so you might hear me shout the same word over and over trying to catch a picture before I become too flustered and move out of a particular pose.... which was meant to provide some serenity. 

Which is partially contradictory... to give up the calm to try and capture a photo.... 

But that is also precisely why I never shoot video of my practice. I need those privately calm moments, without the camera. 

Yoga is for me... although when I am stressing about getting decent photos, it doesn't always feel that way. Trying to take these photos, however, does provide me with some much-needed motivation and structure. When I feel especially ill, yoga is the last thing I want to do. For instance, for the past 2 weeks, even leaving the bedroom has been a major difficulty. My energy levels and overall flare-up has had me on non-stop resting mode. Yoga can actually help me during these times if it doesn't deplete my energy to irreversible levels. Knowing that I was running out of pictures helped motivate me to practice even when I was not feeling entirely up to it. 

Alright, anyways, what's more is that I do not have this picture-perfect practice. I am not a yoga instructor. I do not attend yoga classes anymore. I practice at home. Some of the most basic poses are far too painful for my body. Even transitioning between poses is less of a 'flow' and more of a 'stop-and-start' with jerky, unbalanced, often comical movements. 

There are lots of photos I do not share - photos where I lose my balance, where I am just lying on the floor waiting for my body to allow me enough energy to continue, and even photos where I think I am perfectly in a pose but really I am not even close. 

I find this mostly when I 'think' my back is straight or even arched. Trying to get into Crescent pose is highly difficult and even painful most of the time. I still gently try - because I want to keep my spine strong and as flexible as possible - but the photos themselves show a very subpar level of practice. Downward Dog is another pose I rarely even attempt anymore because of my shoulder blade pain, but as you can see below, I am not even close to getting it right. I even went on my tippy-toes with partially bent knees in an attempt to help me straighten out my back. 

The saddest part is that I thought I had it. 

Nope. 

Still a curved spine. 

Now, logically I know that my spine curvature at the top is the progression of the disease (Ankylosing Spondylitis), but I still seem to hold out hope that I can stretch my way back to a better posture. 

I might be out to lunch. 

Yoga on Instagram often looks poised, serene, relaxed, mixed with perfect photography skills. 

Not on my page. 

My page is filled with repeating poses, attempts at halfway decent photos, and an entire array of silent moments off the screen that make up the bulk of my personal practice. 

Here are some of the misfit poses and photos that I rarely share - to show that the 'gram only shows a small fraction of what is really behind the scenes.

Yoga is supposed to be an intensely personal experience. My practice is tailored to my specific needs and level of strength and flexibility. I am always working on improving my skills without causing more pain. I have SO much I need to work on - breath, flexibility, strength, technique, meditation, etc... - but it is a practice all my very own. No matter what, that is a beautiful thing and I am happy to share my imperfect practice.  

'Pics or it Didn't Happen'

We live in the information age - the age when we document every little portion of our lives, when we take pictures of every mundane thing that happens, and share it all on social media. 

The issue arises when photos become an expectation. 

If someone goes for a hike and happens to see a rare bird or wild animal, there is this expectation of a photo. We can't seem to just tell stories of what we have experienced anymore: we have to prove it really happened. 

Even worse than that, it has become so common to edit, photoshop, alter, or even entirely fabricate pictures and videos, that even if there IS proof, it is mistrusted immediately. 

We live in the time of: "Pics or it Didn't Happen". 

How does this relate to illness? 

Have you ever had to call in sick because you were legitimately vomiting for four hours straight overnight, but not been believed? Has someone ever doubted what you are saying, assumed you 'drank too much', were 'exaggerating' or just plain lying about feeling unwell? 

I mean, we know where the mistrust comes from: people who call in sick just because they want to play hooky, people who fake illness to get out of a class or big presentation, those who are hungover or just simply feel lazy, etc... 

But how many of us actually think to take photos or video during our worst moments?? 

I first started taking pictures, and even sometimes video, of when I was particularly ill when I was working in an office with an entire room of people who doubted every single time I mentioned being ill. I do agree that, at times, the issues I was having were hard to believe. 

The most common complaint (that I knew about) was that, if I had an appointment, I would 'skip out' on work for several hours longer than my appointment should have lasted. 

Of course, explaining that specialist appointments often last several hours wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to explain that if I am late, they would give my appointment away, but that the physicians themselves are usually behind by at least an hour. (Specialists deal with many complicated patients and simply need more time, in waves that are difficult to predict). Then, going over my issues usually takes 2 or more hours with a new specialist or one I see rarely. Then there is driving to and from the appointment, finding parking, and maybe stopping at a drive-thru to make it through the rest of the day - if I didn't feel too guilty to make any stops. 

It sounds bogus. Especially to anyone who has only ever had to go to their family physician once a year or maybe even a few times for random issues. It makes no sense to someone who has never seen the 'chronic' and/or complicated side of healthcare. 

That is when I started taking pictures. 

Pictures with captions like 'still waiting' with a clock in the background. Pictures sitting in the waiting room in a hospital gown or about to get a scan or bloodwork done. Then in the vehicle - 'finally done, on my way back to work', smiley face, facepalm, eye-roll, sleepy face. 

God forbid if I actually went onto social media while I was waiting. Oh man was that ever an argument. It was better to take a book with me instead anyways - since going on social media during work hours (even though I had to wait and could not do my job from the waiting room) was an abhorration. 

Then came the videos. 

I have to admit, I still hate trying to take pictures or videos when I am in the thick of any severe episode. It's not like I can even manage to physically do it myself anyways. It doesn't happen very often, and if it does happen it can be during those 30 seconds of calm in between puking fits. Really, who wants, or even THINKS, to document those moments? I began asking my husband to take photos or videos of my worst episodes. He forgets too - we have much bigger issues to be concerned about than having him videotape me while I am bawling and nearly screaming for help. 

But then if you tell people what happened, it is incredible how many people don't believe it. 

Pics or it didn't happen right? 

It couldn't have been that bad or you would have passed out from the pain. 

I'm sure the doctor didn't say that. 

There's no way you were diagnosed with that, you're too young. 

That illness is too rare for you to have. 

It probably wasn't as bad as you think. 

You couldn't have been in that much pain. 

Seriously, you ate nothing but fluids for 7 days? That's impossible. 

Finally, tired of being doubted all the time, not only did I start taking pictures, but I also made sure I ordered my medical records. So if anyone says 'there's no way you have that many different illnesses', or if they look at me like I am lying about some of the episodes I have gone through, it is all right there on paper. 

Don't believe I ended up with 2 IUDs in my uterus at the same time? 

It's in my medical file. 

Don't believe an NG tube ended up causing an ulcer? 

In my medical file. 

Don't believe that I was diagnosed 100% with Ulcerative Colitis, and then ALSO diagnosed with Crohn's Disease later on after abdominal surgeries? 

Don't believe my SI joints are eroding? 

Don't believe I have Hereditary Angioedema? 

Don't believe I needed my gallbladder out or my large intestine out? 

Don't believe I have spent entire DAYS vomiting every half hour or so? 

Don't believe I have cracked ribs from vomiting before? 

Don't believe I was forced to do a pregnancy test and refused a thyroid blood test when I kept losing weight dramatically? 

It's all there. Medical file. Witnesses. Diagnoses. Test results. And some photos. 

It is just a shame that we live in such a time when scams and scammers are rampant. This whole idea of having to prove anything we do is ridiculous. Who wants someone videotaping them when they are going through a medical crisis that requires hospital intervention? 

On one hand, it becomes a valuable teaching tool. I have seen epileptics videotape themselves directly before having a seizure - to show people what it is like for them, but to also prove that they suffer from that disease. (Of course, some people still like to claim these videos are faked). I have had friends feel obligated to tape themselves when having severe tremors, allergic reactions, seizure-like episodes, fainting spells, etc... just to prove to a doubting physician that they are, in fact, happening. 

I keep trying to remind myself to visually document my worst moments, but then I only remember after I am through the worst of it. When I was having a severe gastrointestinal reaction to a medication in the ER, I wish we had taken video of how horrendous it was. But it was so terrifying that I was very seriously just trying to make it through the next five minutes. The last thing on my mind was to have someone tape me while I truly believed I might be dying. 

When I have these frightening throat swells that affect my breathing, all I can think about is trying to make it to the hospital before my throat entirely obstructs and I suffocate. Want to know how many times I have remembered to take video of how I sound and seem during these episodes? Zero. Zero times. 

Having chronic illness can mean having to expect and get used to being in 'crisis mode'. It means understanding that one complication could require emergency intervention, hospitalization, or even urgent surgery. It is having one foot out the door always ready to go to the ER, having specialists on speed-dial, having a favourite EMT, even a favourite hospital & emergency room. 

It means lots of experiences that are very nearly unbelievable, and an expectation from others than if you can't prove it, maybe you are just lying. 

My advice: document when you can, ask for copies of medical records every couple of years, and always remember that people doubting you does NOT trivialize what you have been through. 

Hiding Pain

In this post are two pictures.
There is one fundamental difference between these two photos, and I am not sure how clear it is.

The moment the first photo was captured, I had to run to the washroom.

The second photo is less than 15 seconds after a vomiting fit.

Can you tell?